from 22 on

Abandoned By God

2008-01-01T21:36:00.000-08:00

Over this last year during times of prayer, I’ve come to realize how much God craves to be with me. When I pray for ten minutes, God is present each minute. When I pray for 20 minutes, God again sits with me throughout, speaking, teaching, comforting, listening… When I pray a full hour, God dwells the full hour. When I pray for two hours, I walk away with two hours' worth of interaction with God. (How exciting might our life become if we truly learned to live lives of "praying without ceasing"?) John 3:34 says that God gives the Spirit without limit, and I’m starting to understand that experientially. I’m beginning to see that I have great responsibility in my relationship with God… that God doesn’t impose himself on me, but that he is waiting for me, every moment. If I come, I see he will be with me. I just need to come. It is up to me to determine how much I want to be with this good God who loves me, seeks to redeem and restore, and eventually use me to touch a hurting world.

I’ve also experienced the dryness in prayer. Last Sunday I prayed, “But God, what about the dry times? How does emptiness fit with these impressions I have that you are always aching to be with us, and will abundantly dwell with us when we come to you?”

I saw a picture of a mom and her daughter walking. As they cheerfully sauntered, hand-in-hand, the mother let go of her daughter’s hand without warning and begin to walk ahead. Then, as if in a Choose Your Own Adventure Book, the story diverged, each story focusing on the daughter’s response.

As the mother released the hand of her daughter in the first story, the young girl began to tremble, a look of abandonment and rejection on her face. She stopped, whimpered, and eventually plopped on the ground crying with a look of stricken confusion and grief on her face. Her mother, now far off, heard her, stopped and returned. She held her daughter compassionately, helped her to her feet, and they began walking again at the original pace, hand-in-hand.

In the second story, as the mother let go of her daughter’s grip and began walking faster, the young girl looked up, and promptly uickened her little legs to match her mother’s new pace, soon hand-in-hand again. This was beautiful to me.

I’m beginning to see the dry times in prayer and in our relationship with God in a light of beautiful invitation rather than a light of abandonment. I believe, when the dry times come, God is saying, “You’ve been doing good, but there is more. Come, walk a little faster with me, run a little harder, dig in a little more. I want to introduce you to unforeseen dimensions of the width, depth, and height of my love.” In dry times in your life, I challenge you to consider that God is not leaving you, but encouraging you into deeper intimacy with him. In the same way that your thirst and your desire for water increases in the desert, I believe God wants our desire and thirst for Him to increase in our respective spiritual deserts.

Notice that both stories end with the mother and daughter hand-in-hand - God's sweet presence in our lives. Should we not be ready to walk in the Father's invitation to deeper interaction, our compassionate father will return, he will scoop us up, tell us he loves us, and begin walking with us again as did the mother in the first story. But I do believe that in His walking faster and in His making it seem we are alone, God is actually moving in love as he promises. I believe he is the wise Father inviting us to greater maturity as he sees our little legs grow stronger.

History Maker

2008-01-01T03:08:00.000-08:00

Is it true today that when people pray
Cloudless skies will break
Kings and queens will shake
Yes it's true and I believe it
I'm living for you

Is it true today that when people pray
We'll see dead men rise
And the blind set free
Yes it's true and I believe it
I'm living for you

Well it's true today that when people stand
With the fire of God, and the truth in hand
We'll see miracles, we'll see angels sing
We'll see broken hearts making history
Yes it's true and I believe it
We're living for you

(Selected Lyrics from Delirous' song History Maker)

Amen and Amen

Down with the Wisdom of the World

2007-12-30T23:30:00.000-08:00

Tonight was a learning experience. I had been scheduled to speak tonight at Scum of the Earth, a church here in Seattle of whose leadership team I've recently joined. I'd had my sermon fully prepared for about a week now - my heart and recent experience around sacrifice and love. As I prayed last night, I felt God give me a beautiful illustration about how extravagantly he gives us of himself, both in variety and quantity. The moment my pen wrote the last words of describing the image into my journal, I felt God say, "This is for tomorrow." It didn't make sense though - I was prepared to share about sacrifice and love, and to share a vision of prayer at Scum NEXT month when I take the pulpit. Plus, considering the amount of people out of town over the Christmas break, I knew Scum attendance would be minimal. And I was right... maybe 15 people all together. But as I prayed more, I began to smile and thank God... because we will only see a movement of prayer at Scum if we are dependent on God for its life, which we are, especially when he works outside our expectations by planting the prayer-seed in the heart of a pocket, rather than the whole of Scum. A spirit-rooted prayer movement won't fly if people sign on to a pious bandwagon. I'm not saying I see Scum folk having that attitude. I'm saying I'm grateful that there was not even opportunity for fad behavior. I liked that if we were moving to a culture of prayer at SCUM, it would have to be the Holy Spirit moving.

To add to the breakdown of all that was me in tonight (and trust me, I'm not bitter - I'm beginning to understand the serious responsibility of teaching and sharing), I felt like my talk was horrible - another indication that response, change, and established prayer at Scum would HAVE to my God's spirit moving. My words were void of passion, disconnected, incoherent - I didn't know what I was saying much of the time, and rarely had a clear sense of the point I was trying to make. The hurriedly prepared notes seemed useless from the vantage point of my stool, the listeners disengaged. I was confused by my wet-blanket delivery - normally prayer is a topic that brings fire to my eyes and spring in my voice. But I think too, this Zach-dismantling was God, and a gift at that. No one there will desire to pursue a lifestyle of prayer after my lack of oration sophistication or brilliance. How can I emphasise the degree of "drab"? But afterwards, to my surprise several people told me that it was convicting or that God had been speaking to them similarly over this last month. One girl told me the message was the beginning of an answer to a prayer she'd prayed years ago. Four people gave me email addresses wanting to be connected and involved with whatever is prayer in the future of Scum. We are praying this Saturday at 2pm - the start of a regular corporate time, which I do believe will ultimately evolve into 24/7 prayer at Scum. Another girl wants to head up creatively decorating the prayer room - which excites me exceedingly considering her artistic sense and my complete lack thereof. John, the pastor, gave us the storage room to transform into a place of prayer, its fate entirely at our discretion.

I'm grateful that in my unpreparedness and faulty, broken delivery, I, or the rest of Scum, won't even have the option of taking glory for ourselves when God stirs prayer in this place... and it is coming. I know it... And watch out - life gets radical for God's children when they devote themselves to prayer. Living in the reality of "God's ways are not our ways" is becoming one of my favorite parts of this incredible business of serving God.

Tonight...

2007-11-13T23:32:00.000-08:00

I had dinner with Kevin tonight, who is leaving for Korea on Thursday. I will miss him, indeed. Living with Kevin these last 5 months has taught me more about what it means to live honestly, and also to live fully. He is a fellow worth spending time with. We ate Middle Eastern food - I had lamb and Kevin had falafel. One funny part about the night... our menu had an Arabic glossary on it, full of explanations of menu items and also occasional basic Arabic vocabulary. I suggested to Kevin that we try some language on the waiter, but we didn't get very far as the waiter at this Middle Eastern eatery was Vietnamese. Funny.

I've been thinking today about the questions I get about working with "street people." Sometimes the nature of their questions and the raising of their eyebrows makes me think they see my work at New Horizons as a risky endeavor. I realize those are the kinds of eyebrows and questions that leave me near speachless, because "danger" hasn't been my experience. I actually feel quite safe... and I think it is because the "dangerous" people on the street are my friends.

I'm listening to a 20 part series on the Song of Songs. It is thus far quite brilliant. I'm listening to each part twice.... once on the bus ride to work, once on the bus ride home. I figure if I won't retain much if I don't give it an opportunity to soak and absorb.

By the way... I finally got an ipod. Thanks, Kyle, for giving me your extra! I knew I'd get a free one somehow somewhere if I only held out long enough.

This just in

2007-11-11T23:22:00.000-08:00

Perhaps for the first time, I want God because of hunger and not because of guilt.

Melissa and I are trying to steer from answering the questions"how are you?" or "how was ____?" or any question really with the automatic, general, and meaningless "good"... and it has been a "good" challenge.

I went and saw Rob Bell speak tonight. His talk was liberating for me.

My nose runs much tonight.

Moon 2

2007-10-28T22:36:00.000-07:00

I know now why my moon was perfect... harvest moon, about 17,000 miles closer than average. And I thought it was big because everything seemed big.

I need God. I'm tired of myself, in so many ways.

Life is flinging me in many directions, opposite directions, and I am troubled to keep up and make sense. And this blog isn't worth my time right now.

Moon

2007-10-25T20:54:00.000-07:00

Tonight's moon was perfect. Perfect.

Seems like tough is going around.

I found out this morning that a kid who I've been working with died on Sunday. Last I saw him was on the bus about two weeks ago. He saw me, came over, sat down across the aisle and started telling me jokes, lots of them, just like always. Only this time, they were funny, and they were clean. I noted that I hadn't seen him in awhile and he said he'd just gotten out of jail, and that he'd been sober for 40+ days because of it. I asked how he felt... he smiled and said, "Different". The tone of his voice and the look on his face implied, "Suprisingly good." We talked more about it, and got off the bus high-fiving, him telling me how excited he is, me encouraging him to stick in through. And now he's overdosed. Death seems so final, so surreal, so distant.

And rape... Real life, real people I know, non-Hollywood, personal stories, last night... and tears, and violence... and what to make of it?

Isaiah 1

2007-08-25T23:09:00.000-07:00

Isaiah 1 is where I'm at right now.... it's tearing me apart in wonderful ways. Though I've been on a quest for sometime to read the Bible straight through, I've been fighting the urge to be hasty and get it done for the sake of getting it done, as has been habit for much of my life. I slow down, and even stop, for conviction like Isaiah 1 brings to me in this place and time.

2007-08-13T17:48:00.000-07:00

I'm becoming thoroughly convinced that there is a direct proportion between my praying and my hearing God speak. I think about the times when God has spoken so clearly.... and those have been the times I've made efforts to spend more time praying. And vice versa. Maybe a better way of saying it.... is that the times I've been praying have been the times I've heard God most clearly. See, I'm not sure I buy into the fact that God stops speaking, or that he speaks unclearly at times. Seems to me more like he's aching to speak to us and always speaking with us. If I'm not praying or caring to hear though, if I'm not in that environment of seeking his face and his heart and his love, then of course I'm not going to hear God speak. The blame is all mine.... not God not speaking clearly.

I just started reading The Cross and the Switchblade again. As I was out running this afternoon, I wondered, "God, will you give to me too a mission as you did to David Wilkerson?" And I was reminded of Wilkerson's committment to prayer... it wasn't until he sold his television and started praying for two hours a night, and doing it for some time, that God slapped him to New York. It wasn't until he was in a place of listening and seeking. I'm not going as far as to say that I must pray for two hours, but I know that until I weed out the television, whatever that happens to be in my life, and begin dedicating time to prayer, whether alone or in community, or both, I will continue to live as is...

23 now

2007-08-03T22:43:00.000-07:00

I sure missed the pompous celebration, the anniversery post, the "what a year this has been" report. Oh well.

It's been hard to care about blogging, honestly. You probably noticed.

Much of it seems so meaningless. Lots of life is seeming meaningless these days. Jesus is alive, and though I feel I barely know him, I know enough to know that anything that is meaningful in life rests in him... and I'm so bored with everything that's not connected there. I'm bored with reading books that don't scream the glory of God. I'm bored of routines. I'm bored of movies, often even of conversations. There's more to be had.

I want to be with Jesus... have him right in front of me. But not me... cause that's boring too. I want to seek Christ together. I want times of people gathered whenever and wherever we can for the sole purpose of worshipping our King, of praying to our Savior, of seeking his face. That's all. I want to sit for hours with him. Days. I'm bored with board games. I'm bored with email. I'm bored with my camera, my computer, cleaning my room, sometimes eating. I'm bored with talking about Jesus. I want to be with Jesus.

Though it sounds funny to say, I'm honestly kind of bored with trying to love Jesus - I don't know what I'm doing. I want to know Jesus. I want to know Jesus.

I don't care about the glamor. I don't need the miracles. I don't need the credit. Just give me Jesus.

Tonight found me so grateful that my dear friend Toby taught me to play guitar, though he'd probably be embarrassed to take credit for my mangy strumming and mangier singing. I love music, I love having the basic skills enough to sing to the Lord new songs... singing prayers and worship, opening an avenue for my spirit inside to wail and to plead to this God.

I pray to be humbled. I pray for my faith to increase. I pray for myself to decrease and for Christ to increase.

Phil 2 talks about how when Christ found himself to be in the appearance of a human being, he humbled himself and made himself a servant of all..... That speaks to me purpose. In the same way that it could say that Christ, being found in the appearance of a tree, sucked his nutrients from the ground and sprouted his fruit with all the mustard he could muster. I think the passage is not just talking about Christ's attitude, but of our design - that we were created to be servants of all. I want to be a slave to righteousness. I want to wash the feet of all I come across, whatever "washing feet" means for those particular people.

But I'm so selfish, so prideful, so faithless, so disloyal.

Yet, God continues to speak, rather than abandon. He continues to massage my tense shoulders and whisper love into ears that is sure they won't hear love again... surely God can't really be faithful, surely his love can't really endure forever - these are the doubts I bring, over and over.

I've been reading the Psalms lately... I love how they are honest, how David tells God that a good idea would be to break the teeth of his enemies. I love how David sites God's work in his life, then praises him. I like how David is so freakin confusing... how he is so acknowledgedly wretched, but always comes back to God.

I believe there is so much power and authority available to us if we only believe. God is aching to dump himself on us, to equip us to smother the world in love, to heal the hurt, give the blind site and make the deaf hear. Literally, not suburban-Christian-metaphorically. God is alive. I know this. I want to know Jesus.

A few posts ago I wrote: "I feel like a good cry is in order, but I can't put my finger on why." Friends, I had the most incredible cry of my life the night after. I want to tell you about that... maybe if I come back next month I will.

Got A Buck?

2007-06-30T21:52:00.000-07:00

http://gettingmelissatothailand.blogspot.com/

Where I'm at Today

2007-06-28T21:24:00.000-07:00

I'm realizing that I care about an awful lot of people who are far away from me right now, 6 in particular.
I don't understand how Jesus seems close yet elusive all at the same time.
I love my job.... I loved college too, but I prefer the tangible sweat and sights and sounds and smells and real frustrations and real people to the world of theoretical ministry classes.
I feel like a good cry is in order, but I can't put my finger on why.
I wish I had money and lots of it.
I believe that In writing this I'm dodging something that I should be tending to.

The In Betweens

2007-06-06T20:39:00.000-07:00

If concentrating means focusing attention and energy upon a single matter, idea, or task, I don't concentrate well. It's not that I concentrate poorly, but I find it unrealistic to completely and thoroughly devote myself solely to the job of writing a paper during finals week of my senior year of college. So, to bring mental and emotional relief, I thought I'd catalog the thoughts and musings that come to mind between my actual work and writing...

I'm worried about my back. I know it's not quite straight, but it's felt especially crooked lately.

Savings CDs... I have trouble justifying them. Banks... I'll always be suspicious of them.

I wonder how much God is doing around me that I am completely unaware of.

Maybe I'm just young enough that I'm in that natural phase of wanting to look older, but I don't expect to be one of those fellows who will ever be embarrassed about their age. I'm actually looking forward to being old... and even old looking. I'm not sure why, really... but I'm not planning to avoid it or pretend that years are not happening to me.

Speaking of old: Mmmm... peanut butter and banana sandwiches are tasty. These will never get old to me. They are particularly satisfying in that they are healthy... when you have the right bread, and the real peanut butter... the kind that is from real peanuts ground before your very eyes into the plastic container in your very hands... mmm.

I'm glad I bought a cell phone. I legitimately am glad.

It will be good to start exercising again after graduation.

Those two guys on the bus, who were 35.... I wonder if their passion for that video game they were discussing was any kind of reflection for how many hours of their lives were consumed by it. The way they were sharing experiences, and even the vocabulary they used to say goodbye to each other tells me they are entrenched quite deep... and that saddens me. Maybe I'm just conceited.. and they'd just as quickly dub one of my thrills as petty. But lately I've experienced new life, rich life. Video games seem like such a counterfeit of everything I've experienced lately to have substance.... relationships, experiences, thrills, even dissappointments... I hope their love is just a passing phase and not a distraction that leads nowhere.

I saw some friends using a Nutty Pot (sp?) last night... a tea-pot looking creation you can use to pour salt-water up one nostril so it comes out the other... apparently cleaning and clearing in marvelous ways. For a guy with sinuses as perpetually clogged as mine are, the Nutty Pot is an attractive prospect. Maybe I'll get one for a graduation present... oh I hope I hope. And a bike helmet... I intend to start biking around - partly for the excercise, partly for the money saved, and partly even cause I'm starting to care about what my role is in caring for the earth and environment. And my riding a bike is going to make a difference, dang it!

I'm reading about how age affects language in my sociolinguistics text book. Sometimes I laugh when I hear older adults talk about youth: "Rebellion can be expressed superfically in distinctive outer markings such as gree-dyed hair, nose-rings and ripped jeans. They must be, in teenage terms, "far-out" or "way-out", "awesome", "crazy," "fabulous," "the most," "the max" (maximum)." Academic classification by a far-removed outsider of a demographic that would be indifferent and unimpressed.... I chuckle. It's the most if you, ask me. Definitely way-out at least.

"We ain't what we wanna be, and we ain't what we're gonna be - but we ain't what we wuz." (South Carolina mountain proverb). Suddenly, "getting to know someone" never seemed so complicated and slippery. It truly is a trick knowing someone who is always changing...

FINALly

2007-06-04T19:42:00.000-07:00

Finals... the final finals. Crazy. I'm crazy to be blogging.

My roommate said something I'm thinking is quite profound. Kevin's theory is: what we are afraid of is what we worship. I think there's gobs of truth in that.

I'm learning to see conviction as a gift of grace from God. In his mercy God is kind enough to show us how we are screwing up, how we are walking from God... Conviction is the beginning of the means of drawing closer to Christ again. I used to dread and avoid conviction... as if it betrayed me and my secret that I wasn't perfect. Except, it actually was no secret that I wasn't perfect. That secret got out long ago... so I'm done trying to preserve and protect it... and now I am learning to welcome conviction with open arms... this conviction that is from a good and loving God and Holy Spirit who wants to be close and intimate with me.

Oomph

2007-06-02T22:09:00.000-07:00

I'm tired of reducing following Christ to mere nice-guy living.
I know enough to know that I'm settling.
What does it mean anyway to live in the power of the Holy Spirit?
I'm resisting the idea that discipleship is knowledge dissemination and/or praying for people and/or accountability groups.
What of mystery and power so great and so true that it scares us...
I want to be with a Jesus who I can't understand, and one that I never pretend to understand.

Court

2007-05-19T13:58:00.000-07:00

I saw this picture at the King County Juvenile Detention Center last Friday.... and thought it interesting. And also that I can relate with in this heavy class in the quarter.... wanting to be with people I care about, but at the same time recongizing the incredible opportunity my education is, and that I do enjoy it... and that even if I didn't enjoy it, I am most glorifying to God as I do everything in my path as if for Christ...

Shortest Post Yet

2007-05-17T10:49:00.000-07:00

I'm thankful for the ways being with my brothers and sisters undermines spiritual stagnation.

Presence

2007-05-15T19:26:00.000-07:00

Today at work we said goodbye to a great man named Joshua. God is taking him to be the chaplain at the prison in Walla Walla... one of those things where we are all sad to see him go, but excited to see him thrive in this new place that God is so apparently directing him to. We set aside about an hour to share with Joshua how he'd blessed us, and who he was to us, and why we love him... it was very powerful.

One woman said, "My pastor uses a golf metaphor all the time that captures you so well, Joshua. It's about golf, and hitting the ball where it lies." And she talked about how Joshua had to deal with lots of difficult situations, but he never was one to kick the ball with his foot to a more desirable location from where he could more easily hit it, nor would he complain and wish his ball was somewhere else. Instead, he simply sized the situation up and took his best swing right exactly where the ball was, no matter how icky and mucky. Even when circumstances were less than ideal, he stared it in the face and made the most of that. I respect Joshua for that....

Young

2007-05-14T10:37:00.000-07:00

I doubt God sees me in the same way I see others and others see me. I doubt, for instance, that God looks at me as a 22 year old. Sure he knows I'm 22, but I don't think it concerns him in the same way it concerns myself, or that it might concern others who see me as a young 'in. I think God's perspective is more, "I am God... I have the power to make the weakest strong, the poorest rich, the most broken whole." I don't think God is frustrated with my youth in the ways I can be... I think God is simply waiting for me to give myself over to him... God isn't limited by years. I think he sees me more as a follower of him (or at least trying) who happens to be 22... and even if I was 52, the same powerful God is by my side who doesn't discriminate in love, or in working through people. Rather than our age, I imagine that it is more important to him that we submit, that we love, that we follow.... If God can speak through a donkey, I feel I'm game too. That's what I'm wondering today anyway.

Ugh

2007-05-09T20:47:00.000-07:00

I just want to be with people right now... that's all. I hate more than many things having to ask people to leave because I have school work to do. It's a gross, yucky feeling. That's all...

Job

2007-05-05T12:40:00.000-07:00

This was one of my big deal Lent stories, but it's getting too far down the road for me not to post: God led me to a sweet full-time position as a Counselor/Case Manager at New Horizons, the street youth ministry where I've been volunteering this last year!

I celebrated with one of my favorite desserts: angel food cake, strawberries, and tuxedo ice-cream (which is a generic cookies & cream rip-off, but still delightful). I called it my Ebenezer cake for "thus far the Lord has helped" indeed. Not only did he provide a livelihood, but I get to be full-time with the people that have stolen so much of my heart. I'm one of those people toward whom I harbored playful envy who will be getting paid to do what they love!

Here is my Ebenezer:

PS. I can't take credit for this picture.

PS. I also can't figure out how to make the picture go where I want it to... pssh. If I move it, it disappears... that's why the other ones were gone. Sorry.

Pictures

2007-05-05T12:21:00.000-07:00

I'm loving pictures these days... and taking pictures... and everything about photography. Fascinating. I'm still novice-ish, but will not be deterred.

Coldplay says "we live in a beautiful world", and though the song seems more mocking that idea than affirming it, I agree. This world is beautiful. Some people ask how we can say there is a God considering all the evil in this world. I ask how we can say there is no God considering all the love, redemption, laughter, and beauty in this world. God is present... I enjoy taking pictures because of the way having a camera in my hand subverts all the "productivity is primary" habits I've developed over these last four years of college. Taking pictures helps me to pause, be slow, stop and enjoy the sweet, beautiful life around me.... those things that are easily overlooked that never should be. Often my habit has been to steam through life. I never stopped to smell the roses. I enjoy taking pictures for the ways it teaches me to look at the world in unconventional ways (and I'm not talking about looking at the world just visually). I figure that intentional efforts to see objects or images from alternative angles will translate into my seeing people, ideas, and relationships outside of the narrow scope I might otherwise limit myself to. This world and people are too dynamic to settle for a single perspective.

I figured I'd post pictures from time to time... they will be pretty raw, considering I don't have photoshop or anything like that... and I'm still very much learning, but whatever... I love it, and I'm gonna keep at it.

Like Taxes and Death

2007-04-22T00:13:00.000-07:00

People say the only things you can be sure of are taxes and death. I propose we add "the faithfulness of God" to the list. Anyone out there wish to second the motion?

I mentioned in that last post about how patience is hard for me. I alluded to it at least. I was feeling quite sick when I wrote that post... partly because of that exact impatience. I didn't wait long enough for my chicken to cook all the way through, and my head and body were reeling.

I also asked for wisdom in that last post... and to be with Jesus.

After I finished the post, I fully intended to do homework. But I felt so sick, so I did nothing of the sort. Instead, I went away and sat... and eventually listened and prayed - it was all I could do.

I'm seeing now that the passing sickness (it is gone now) was a gift from God rather than more torture to an already icky day. There's a slim chance I would have taken that time for God had I not been so woozy. This faithful God we serve... already (a mere hour or two after the post) giving steps, giving wisdom, showing some of Jesus. In that time of a physical lows came a spiritual renewal. I'm far from being all the way there. But God is faithful, and he IS with me... and he is guiding me.

And so I rejoice. And sleep.

Sigh

2007-04-21T12:38:00.000-07:00

Philippians 4:4-7 "Mourn to the Lord continuously. Since once isn't enough: Lament! Let your cruelty be indisputable to all. The Lord is distant. Sweat bullets to the limits, and through the entire ensemble of life, by threats and demands, with bitterness, whine down your shit list for God. And the "peace of God", which is an abandoning joke, will leave you high and dry because you aren't good enough for Christ Jesus."

Staleness, confusion, misdirection.... results of taking [whatever: life, work, relationships] for granted, of not seeking Jesus first, of fearing man over God. "So my spirit grows faint within me; my heart within me is dismayed."

Hungry. The kind of hungry that leaves me paralyzed... needing friends to carry me stiff and lifeless on my mat, to dig through the roof, to take me to the healing touch of Jesus. "How can we find Jesus if we are not looking together?" I want to know Jesus Christ. I need to know Jesus Christ. I need Jesus. Nothing will suffice but Jesus. Only Jesus gives me a chance. And to clarify, I want to know the person Jesus. I was thinking last night... when I talk about Jesus, am I even talking about a person? A living, breathing being, who is King of all? Or do I reduce Jesus to an ideology, a system, a cold, red-taped methodology - like the legalistic thing in me more concerned that I wrote "shit list" than that I'm dying for lack of Jesus?

Where's the unkempt hole in my wall - the inviting express lane for our lying enemy?

Satan said to God, "Does Job fear God for nothing? Have you not put a hedge around him and his household and and everything he has?" Lord, in this season I'm in need of a hedge. I'm not ready to be a Job quite yet. I'm deteriorating even while life is going well. Please protect me, Father.

I've tasted you and your goodness. I've experienced life in you. I have been with you... but I don't know how I got there... And I don't know how to return. I don't know how to simply be with you, or anyone. James says you give wisdom to those who ask. Father, God, Lord... please give me wisdom. Teach me to be with you. Help me to see Christ Jesus in intimate friendship, not as a handbook. I'm frustrated in my empty attempts to love you, to love others.

Patience. Love is patient, it always perseveres. I see this truth so clearly as I look to relationships of the past. Patience is a common characteristic of those who have loved me most, those who have staunchly remained through my perpetual mistakes, through my prostitution. The committed Hoseas are the ones whose love is rich. They are the ones who look beyond the external... who see the beautiful core of people, then latch on, determined to ride the roller coaster of working life out. Though they are present in the moment, they are not bound by it. They see value, worth, and do not withdraw after a single spiralling interaction. Love is patient, it always perseveres.

Jesus. You are patient, and I thank you... and because "thank you" seems so insufficient, here are the "thanks" synonyms from dictionary.com: acknowledgement, benediction, blessing, credit, grace, gramercy, gratefulness, gratitude, praise, recognition, thankfulness, thanksgiving. This is the most my language offers, Lord God... I'm sorry it is still inadequate. Hear the groans of my spirit and let them intercede.

Lord, I jump the gun frequently. I let my distrust of you reign. Lord, help my unbelief. Being driven by anxiety is a miserable lifestyle. I speak before I know what I'm saying. I act without thinking what I'm doing. I speak death, not life. I bring murkiness, not clarity.

And yet, I know that you are faithful, I know that you have not withdrawn. The Lord is near. Indeed. Forgive me for trying to take back the life I gave to you. Life in my hands is like navigating minefields in a snake-infested field... blindfolded.

Philippians 4:4-7 "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your hands in Christ Jesus."

Yes, please.

So here's the thing, peeps

2007-04-16T23:50:00.000-07:00

I'd say one of the most 5 important things in this world to me is keeping my word, and other people keeping theirs.

I'm going to break my word right now. Or, at least, I'm going to put off fulfilling my promises.

I was very excited to write about my Lent... For my sake, because writing it out forces me to work through what exactly and precisely is rumaging around in my head - it is often an action of discovery more than explanation. And also for your sake... because moms and friends like to know what is going on and I simply don't see everyone. And because I promised to do it...

But right now, I'm shirking almost all but the absolute necessities in how I use my time. The reality is that I have put too much on my plate. I'm like the 10 year old who came in hungry for dinner and put 14 cheeseburgers on his plate... but who also lives in a house where table rule is "you don't leave the table till you clean your plate." All my friends are playing outside... and I'm plodding through one bite at a time... feeling very much full (mentally) and a tad overwhelmed with my work... but also knowing that this is something I have to do. I've learned that 14 hamburgers is more than I can chew, and I see now how much I enjoy "playing outside with my friends". I'm learning that I prefer not to be a human doing and much more to be a human being. But for now... the 14 burgers remain... and so I plod. I had a great first day! I'm slowly working out of the red.... My goal is to be out and ahead and caught up by May 1st. Father whistles.... perhaps too ambitious? Never know till I try...

Here I go to enter into another phase of hibernation, this time of a different sort.... oh my sore belly!

Lent Ends

2007-04-10T20:15:00.001-07:00

... and so I return. My blog hiatus was healthy, necessary and right, but I'm only hardly reluctant to resume. I enjoy this place. Thinking back, reading my previous post of so many moons ago, I'm weirded out, in a positive way, to find myself in such a different place after 40 days. Life is nuts, and so fun, and God is good, and so fun... really. He is. And it's ok for God to be fun, and to celebrate him. We don't have to pretend like we are at a funeral when we talk about him, or sing about him, actually. "Eternal life is kind of a big deal", a friend told me mid-March... and I liked that, cause it's true - and as for me, I want to be caught smiling and laughing about God and the life he offers. That is something I learned while I was away. I learned more about life too. Have you ever watched grass grow? Probably not. I have to admit I haven't. But the point is that grass does grow. Grass is so tricky like that. So subtle and sneaky... little by bit grass climbs taller and then all the sudden your lawn looks sloppy and neighbors stop respecting it... throwing gum, or peanut butter all over your grass. And you have to cut it. See, I don't feel like these last 40 days has been anything like grass growing. Grass grows too slow. My past experience has been that I grow slowly. Looking back over this same general past experience I see that change has indeed occurred, but I was never aware in the midst of it. During these last 40 days, I was very much aware... and that's zesty - it's a good feeling. It was still gradual, but more noticable... maybe like sitting on the beach watching the tide come in or go out.

I'm done posting for tonight. I'm not going to waste my time or yours complaining, but it's really best that I go right now and get work done. I'll be back from time to time... I'll articulate the last 40 days' tide for you.

Freedom

2007-02-21T09:35:00.000-08:00

Usually when I title a post before I write it, I feel bound and constrained within the limits of those initial words. Sort of like how God waited till after the animals were all made until he told Adam to name one. I imagine the sort of misunderstandings Adam and God would have if Adam started throwing out names to which God would respond with a “poof” and a creature… “No, God… “too hairy for fish” or “too wet ant” or “not enough leg”. Regardless, tonight (now morning) I’m choosing to title my post first. And I’m not feeling bound, or constrained… that would make this “Freedom” ironic.

This post is a good-bye, of sorts, but I’ll get into that later.

Who am I? What am I doing? Where am I going?

I made a comment to a friend the other day, “I end all my sentences now with ‘I don’t know.” This time is only a phase – that much I do know.

I made a life of theology, of doing, and of saying. I’m learning now that life with God is a life of seeking, of being, and listening. Theology, action, and word all have their appropriate place, of course, but not unless they are grounded in the right root, growing on the right foundation. When your foundation of 15+ years crumbles, life gets scarier.

But I feel healthy, but not competent… Like I’m throwing a ball with my left arm, or maybe how I felt learning to walk for the first time. Healthy… because I know throwing a ball a different way, and walking different than I have can be done. It’s just a matter of time of learning how to live life truly...

I’m learning to unlearn. Cause this phase is a matter of unlearning too. I take my commitment to God seriously, but that doesn’t mean I got it all right. And it means I never will. I’m learning what it means to die in following Christ, and lots of that is unlearning those habits that created a good looking exterior, but never nurtured the inner me… habits like…. Dipping a rotten apple into caramel and putting offering it for sale at the carnival with all the other apples.

I’m learning now how in many ways, Christ was a good apple, just often dipped in manure. He associated with outcasts, the shameful, the shamed, the disgusting, and he took lots of flak for it too. I’m learning that Jesus was far more concerned about his core than his shelf appeal.

I’m learning how much people don’t even notice your caramel or manure anyway… they are those folks who have the External-Blaster 2007 glasses – manure or caramel, they don’t see it, smell it, taste it, or feel it… they burn through to you….

I am a student. And only for a little longer. I haven’t actually graduated… this was a revelation to me a few weeks ago. Since then, I’ve been oober gung-ho about being a good student, finishing strong – doing everything as if for Christ, including conjugating Latin passive participles.

I’m learning that words ring empty alone. I’m learning that you have to earn a right to be heard.

That’s why I adore John Perkins. I heard him the other night, by the way. I worked ahead so I could go hear him speak at the Kindling’s Muse… and I asked a question too, and now I’m going to be on the podcast to be released over this week on the website…! Silly me, excited about having a stupid question answered by him. Little me getting the focused attention of Perkins?! It seemed special, in a star-crazed sort of way, I suppose… :-) Anyway, John Perkins has authority… cause he speaks from a place of deep woundedness and conviction based on decades of ministry and experience. He is a man I want to listen to and read.

I’m learning that my great fear is to be misunderstood. So I always try to defend myself, justify every action, and talk peoples’ ears off till theirs no room for misinterpretation. Silly me. And so… I’m just writing tonight. And if you don’t understand, or if I’m not completely clear, I’m not worrying about it anymore.

Why do I worry about being associated with the drunks in my life? I’m the Pharisee who is too concerned with man’s praise and opinion. Jesus was with the drunks, the screwed, the jerks. Let people think what they want. I’m going to follow Jesus. I want to swear, but in that way that is very passionate and pure… :-)

I’m learning about hope. I love this idea of hope. What started as fun festivity last week has clung to me. What does it mean to hope? I love to do research and study… and “hope” is on my list. In thinking about it today, I have decided this: I equated hope with mere wishing, and robbed it of great meaning.

Summer will be an interesting time. Seems to me I will be in China. At this point, I plan to be gone a month and a half, alone, in a country with the language of which I know zero words.

I learn that I’m too quick to say “God is telling me to…, God is moving me to…”

I’m not sure how God is involved in this China trip, though I feel God is involved. China has occupied my brain since before freshman year, and now with an unforeseen available ticket to Asia, I have the means to go scratch this itch. The structured part of me is planning a detailed itinerary full of contacts, dates, places… the real part of me is desiring liberty to run the rabbit trails… Have you ever planned a vacation where you set up a series of events and tours, then got there and found out much sweeter things to do but couldn’t because you’d already paid and scheduled for everything else? Well, I haven’t, but it sure sounds like it would bite… and I don’t want that to happen. I want to land and say, “Zach. You have to be back in this city in 45 days” then get on a bus and go…. exploring China… and not the China the rest of the world sees on packaged 10 day tours, but the interior, the protected, the guts. I’ll go from one bus to another train, praying all the while and stopping and waiting as the Lord leads. I’m expecting divine meetings both with God and fellow brothers and sisters – risk that it would be to take a distinct looking long-haired, bearded, tall white dork under their wing. Maybe I’ll shave and cut my hair, but part of me wonders, “What’s the point?” The tall white dork is a part of me I’ll never shake… but I’m not in a hurry to either… :-)

I’m learning that some of the most precious things in life take time, and waiting, and perseverance, and self-control. And work… but they are worth it… worth having some control.

I’m learning how to have fun. And learning how I have so much to learn about having fun… Be patient with me, friends. I’m not the kill-joy I make myself out to be, really… do me a favor and teach me how to laugh again though. I’m learning that the fun times are just as necessary as the deep, meaningful times.

I’m learning that everyone has something to teach me. I want to swear again, but this time in a frustrated kind of way…. Ha. I don’t know why, or where this urge is coming from. I’ve never sworn in my life… or maybe I did in a dream once. Sleep-talking is funny. Anyway, I can be such an arrogant fool at times. But God is working on me.

Grace is a beautiful thing. A really beautiful thing. Beautiful beautiful.

I suck at loving people, but dang it, I’m done being owned by a fear of making mistakes. Self-induced paralysis is one of the nastiest plights ever, and yet I chose that road.

I’m chasing life of the vigorous sort. When I smile, I want it to be full faced... the kind of smile that makes your eyes move. In my mind it was better to tread carefully and keep my jeans clean. I don’t want to be that guy anymore. I want to be that guy that is so sold out on following Christ that he is wholly “abandoned” as I’ve heard it described…. I’m gonna run. I’m going to fall, but shoot… who cares? Better to cross that finish line bloody, panting, dirty, but get that prize. Jesus is sweet… sweeter than… everything. Especially the honey and Thai Chai tea in my Jesus/skunk mug next to me.

And… I’m learning I have no idea how sweet Jesus really is.

I’m learning the power of words, for good and for bad. I learn that I make promises I never keep, and want to finish making oaths, pacts, promises… I never wrote about the spiritual realities of this world that I’ve learned about like I said I’d write… nor did I finish about my day in the jail. Maybe another day. Sorry.

I’m learning that I love to read the Bible, but with Gospel Saturdays being amazing, it’s been hard to read it by myself. I see how lacking I am in spirit when I don’t do it…. I fought daily Bible reading for awhile, only wanting to read when my spirit thirsted, trying to avoid the “legalism” monster. I’m learning now that my spirit is always thirsting, and that avoiding legalism is a poor excuse… if my Bible reading is becoming legalistic, the problem is not reading the Bible, the problem is my heart… and I need to take it to God. I need God’s word in my life.

I WANT TO BE TRANSFORMED.

I am anticipating a move to the International District this summer. I was there last Saturday, and my spirit was so happy. Granted, there were other variables in the works that day, but life felt right… more so than I’ve felt in a long time. I felt at home. I’m not caring about being upwardly mobile, and for this I will boast and brag. One of my great fears coming into college was that I would graduate with a swagger and a bow tie, a morally bankrupt business student bent on making money and buying boats. What I’m not saying is that business majors are evil. My roommate is one himself, and is an amazing guy, dedicated to Christ – an awesome support, and second brother. I love Kevin, I do, I do. I love you, Kevin. What I am saying is that I’m learning to see the part of me that is really me… the core… and I think my core is good (by thee grace of God)… or at least good enough to dodge the lies that money makes life. This is one thing I do know: Jesus’ ministry was incarnational. He lived and breathed among the ones he came to serve. I’ve been drawn much to the poor over these last couple years, and drawn to the international… and so I’m delighted to see myself excited to follow where I feel God is leading, and to be able to leave all those monetary concerns behind. I just want to follow Jesus…

I mentioned to a friend, “I am just like the Israelites”… in giving my debt far too much attention than it deserves while I have such a rad story of God’s intervention in the face of debt in my own family.

I don’t want to seek God as a means to some end…. To seek God “so that…. I can be a better person” or “speak into so and so’s life” or “change the world”. I want to seek God… to seek God, making God an end. Pursue God for God, and let a transformation occur. Let transformation be a fruit, not a goal.

I’m really quite ok with looking like a fool in falling down and making mistakes. God picks me up… it’s true. I have never promised anyone perfection, and I never will… and anyone who expects it will be disappointed, but then again they will then be disappointed every where they go. I hope that I can offer them a quality friendship and that they can look back and say, “Zach. There was a dude who loved me.”

Sabbath, rest.. beautiful as well. Beauty… there’s more to it than I understand, for certain, but I’m learning to appreciate it more and more. I see it more, too. Though, people would laugh if I tried to share where. I’m like the 80 year old grandma learning to use a computer mouse for the first time. People look at me appreciating beauty and laugh. But I don’t care! I’m delighted to be “sending that first email to my grandkid”… One day I’ll get a better grip…. Beauty outside, beauty inside… and in the mundane, the quiet, the unnoticed, the overlooked… people too. Lots of people. Some people in particular… yes. Beauty that is so deep that I can’t be satisfied even when I’m right there next to it. Beauty can be so much deeper than I knew.

Ha. I’m feeling like a sappy… (in need of noun). I’m feeling sappy… Or, I think that’s how I’m coming across. I’m not sure I’ve ever been so level-headed.

Anyway, I’ve yacked for awhile now… I bet only one person is still reading this… Hi Mom. I love you so much and hope you are feeling better. I’m looking forward to talking with you Thursday night.

I mentioned earlier that this was a good-bye of sorts.

When I came to SPU, I’d never heard of Lent. When it was explained, I considered the idea foolish…. Then again, the only part I ever heard about was giving something up till Easter. “What do you give up?” I asked. “Stuff that gets in the way of your relationship with God, dude,” is what they replied…. It seemed so ridiculous to me… if you are going to give something up that gets in the way of your relationship with God, why take it back up? I heard of one kid giving up premarital sex, and another pornography. Good move, boys… but don’t bring it back at all, foo! Then I heard a good example… of a fellow worker at New Horizons who gave up reading Christian books. He said he was addicted. He said he never read his Bible because of it… and that even though Christian books point back to the Bible, at least ideally. And I liked that…. Cause that made sense. Christian books aren’t the root of great evil or sin (generally), but when given precedence over the Word of God…. They may as well be. It’s all about perspective.

And so, for Lent, I’m done with blogs… part of why this one is such a doozy. I felt like throwing the past week up in one grand finale… a Mardi Gras, of sorts, to remember all of what I may have forgotten. This blog has owned me in inappropriate ways too, believe it or not… like trying to impress people by what I write. I’m a big idiot sometimes… ha. But I’m also finding the wonderful freedom in acknowledging my faults cause confession hands it back to Jesus… and he takes it, makes a nice throw to the trash and gets to work on hosing you down and making you clean… and that’s always worth it. Is it really a big secret that I’m a screw-up and always will be, just like everyone else that has ever walked this earth minus Christ? I might as well acknowledge the elephant in the room and laugh in the joy of forgiveness and grace.

Blogs are not evil in themselves. But they are getting in the way… mine, and all the ones I read on a daily basis. A few in particular I intend to catch up on once the green blog-light flashes again at Easter – some of those blogs are worthwhile through and through, but they won’t be leaving.

But for now… no. I’m serious about this Christ following stuff, and this blog business is getting in the way. I need some perspective – to put blogs in their place. My sustenance needs to come from God, not in finding “good ideas” or posting “the witty and clever” – though I’m not sure I EVER succeeded at that. I’m funny.

And I need Jesus… and this is my goodbye. I’ll be back, sometime after Easter… probably with another throw-up post like this recapping what I’ve learned and how Jesus is somehow still tolerating me… cause I know he will. He’s faithful. I have hope. It is beautiful.

Philippians 1:6 “…. he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

Let it be, let it be.

Too late to post this now… morning, morning. When I won't wake up Kevin...

Intentions

2007-02-15T10:41:00.000-08:00

I learned last night that even with people's best interest in mind, I can still hurt more than help.

My belief is that often our messy lives are indeed clearer from the outside looking in. Personally, in the thick of my own concerns and worries, I can and tend to fail to see the good. For example, there are times when God says "go" and in my fear I often see only what I'm giving up, not what I'm gaining. I appreciate the objective friend who calls me back with thoughtful questions that through answering show me the positive side of the situation that is actually so obvious. Questions force me to voice the truth making it much easier to take ownership of a reality I might ignore from the droning lips of another. I value their gift to me.

But this is a skill I need to develop... Because when the right questions are asked in the wrong way, i can lose touch with showing dignity and respect. I want to be seen as a loving friend, not a better-than-you counselor. I want to be serving from a place of humility, not creating a staff/client relationship reaking of a superiority complex.

I want to understand better how to love my friends. Maybe my perception of loving them needs to change... perhaps I'm too quick to assist in the helping process. I don't understand well how to simply sit in pain and suffering with others... especially when hope is swimming in my brain, and I see "the good" overlooked. It almost seems cruel to simply sit in the pit when I have the means to help a loved one out. Or perhaps my "means" is only a mirage. But is presence alone what people in pain really really really truly need? I can help but feeling that this seems inadeqaute.

I'm also willing to submit that I know nothing and am willing to throw all my theories and beliefs about being with the hurting out the window if it means learning to love better.

Their Words

2007-02-08T00:09:00.000-08:00

Last Friday's trip to the photo gallery was fabulous. To start, the youth presented stellar photography. There were two pictures in particular I was particularly impressed by... one of urban art amazing blues, some browns, and crazy light located somewhere around 3rd and Bell (if I remember the story right), and another of busses. Busses aren't all that exciting in themselves, but when you shoot them the right way, even busses can be beautiful. Another girl took all her shots off reflections of street puddles and found some sweet success as a result. I'm finding myself fascinated with beauty. The more I look, the more I see that is beautiful. I thank these youth for opening my eyes a little wider to the beauty in this world, for showing me more beauty on streets usually known only for what is gross, violent, and perverted. I obviously can't post the pictures here... that seems like stealing somehow. I did, however, take pictures of some text blips the youth had posted up about homelessness (if the text is too small, clicking on them will bring a bigger picture):

PS. The Talent Show went pretty well too. I enjoyed myself, and there wasn't near the disappointment of years past. In fact, I had a real good time, for the limited time I was there. The timing of my GreenBean trip was perfect too. I got back just in time to see the two groups who would eventually win 1st and 2nd place!

A Short Letter

2007-02-05T01:35:00.000-08:00

Friends and Family,

I am finding myself very thankful for you. I love you... Thank you for loving me too.

Zach

Talent Show

2007-02-01T23:32:00.000-08:00

SPU's Talent Show is tomorrow night. I decided, after some deliberation, that I'm going to go. The last three shows have been fun, yes. But I've come away from each one disappointed as well. Talent Show '06, for instance, had me wondering about the necessity of the sexual innuendos, degrading racial comments (HOW DID ARAB BASHING MAKE THE CUT?), and general sketchy interactions between the MCs and also in the filler videos. I have walked away each year glad that I hadn't invited non-Christian friends to our Christian talent show, and sad for the image presented to the visiting (and paying) parents here during Homecoming weekend. Why do we sacrifice our striving for holy living for the sake of entertainment? Call me old-fashioned, but I don't buy into the fact that we must be crude to be funny or to enjoy ourselves.

I'm going to skedaddle early though to head out the Greenbean Cafe, a favorite non-profit coffee joint. Youth from New Horizons are presenting photos they've taken documenting street life over the last several months. Fascinating. Who is going to get a truer perspective than youth actually living under bridges? The woman who ran the NH photo group is an SPU grad, and she based the photo program off of the documentary Born Into Brothels. The youth are pumped, and I'm super excited to enjoy this special day with them... where they are celebrated, acknowledged, encouraged, and praised for their fine work. Tomorrow will be a special day. They were given special dress clothes, will get dressed up, and be in the spotlight not as a novelty on display (a real life homeless kid!), or something silly like that, but as master photographers, creative, capable, smart, and valued. I'm looking forward to it more than the Talent Show.

I would skip the Talent Show altogether, but I recognize too that I am only a part of this community for a limited time, and I want to breathe in the whole of it... supporting my performing friends, enjoying the rest with my other friends (brother: are you going?), savoring and relishing the few months I have left at this place I love so much. I'm also hoping for a clean show.

My First Day In Jail

2007-01-31T19:58:00.000-08:00

The youth on Seattle's streets have privileged me with their relationship, and I'm falling in love with them. Though I'm gonna stick with 'em, I feel helpless as a "help" much of the time... Tuesday, on outreach, a couple guys were telling us how frustrated they were with the cold. Cold bites (no pun intended) as it is, but when you sleep outside, it is a threat to your life, not merely inconvenient. The bind for the homeless is the limited options for shelter, one of which being the invitations of a warm couch from creepy men. These dudes I talked to aren't stupid. They understand the realities of these situations. But when the cold is so strong that they struggle even to walk, risking a roof and the potential dangerous scenarios can seem worth it. Too often, these boys said, sexual advancements are made (a payment for the warmth is expected) and the choice inevitably comes to "fight or f***". This is their world, their reality, their norm. My pouch of responses scraped empty.

Also Tuesday night, I'd been talking to Sam (not his real name) in the drop-in center for a good long while when seemingly out of nowhere another dude came up and dropped ten punches to the back of his head. It happened so fast my mind hadn't even registered before the puncher was out the back door. Sam stood up looking more ashamed that he'd been broadsided than worried about the obvious pain from his head. And he'd told me to watch out... That was the first thing he said when I sat at his table to eat dinner with him, and asked why he seemed so subdued: "One word: violence. Will you help me get to 5th when it's time for me to leave? I think someone's after me." And he got the crap kicked out of him within an arm's reach of me.... And I had nothing to say or do, except sit in this ugly pit with him in silence.

Today I scooted downtown to another ugly pit for some training at King County Correctional Facility... the huge jail on 5th and James. You can see it from the freeway... I wanted to go largely because I'm learning the power of sitting in the pits with these broken people. Often it's more meaninful to sit and be than try and help them out. Life doesn't get much lower than jail, and visiting a youth whose family and friends have neglected him (or her) speaks love in powerful reverberations (if that's a word... ha). As of yesterday, I was only permitted in the jail during visiting hours. Now, though, I can visit a particular youth at will, barring a few certain hours in a given week. What a great resource for being in relationship with these kids! Here are some of my reflections after my jail experience:

- The jail system is more about money than it is about justice. Hearing our facilitator this morning made it clear that safety is only a concern in as far as the client is from a jurisdiction that is paying its bills.

- Jesus is in the jail. Even where the "worst of society" are contained, Jesus is not excluded. I saw hurt in the inmates faces, hints of smiles (sometimes), a desperation to be loved, known, heard. I saw confusion, pain both emotional and physical, and no doubt spiritual. Jesus knows, Jesus hurts with them, Jesus loves them. In a solitary confinement cell, I saw the cross and its Christ scratched into the drywall... a reminder of the forgiveness of sins - even the sins that lock you up -, the faithfulness of God.... the power of the love of God. How far, and high, and deep, and low God's love truly extends.

- Even criminals are made in the image of God, the Creator! Our lecture on contrabands and permissible objects allowed to our clients (none! by the way) turned into a praising of the inmates' ingenuity, intelligence, and abundant creativity. There were plenty McGiver-eque escape attempts shared, but my favorite story was of a man who bought M&Ms at his weekly trip to the commissary. Instead of enjoying his luxury, this man sought a more precious treasure. He was found in his cell wetting M&Ms in his hand, using the bleeding colors to paint with his finger beautiful pictures on a panoramic canvas of toilet paper. It reminded me of stories in Man's Search For Meaning, where even in Nazi concentration camps, the oppressed made the horrid into immaculate beauty. There is something transcending and wonderful about beauty. I don't quite understand.

It is late, and I am sleep-deprived. But I'm only half done... the rest of my jail thoughts will come when I rest, maybe this weekend, after icky midterms.

So Sad...

2007-01-30T11:15:00.000-08:00

This literally took the wind out of me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i7QVbJnSPQE

As I write this, there are 726 video responses. I pray, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing" (Luke 23:34). Or, in this blatant defiance, perhaps they do... Is anyone else hurting?

12 Hours

2007-01-30T00:19:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning at 9:00am. I walked out of my apartment at 9:50, down to campus by 10:00, and studied for a Latin quiz till class at 11:00. The rest of the day looked like this:

11:00-12:20 - class
12:30-1:20 - lunch with a professor and friend to plan an event
1:30-2:40 - 1-on-1 with Celessa, my fellow RHMC
3:00-4:20 - class
4:30-5:40 - 1-on-1 with Eric, my boss
5:45-6:30 - scramble to the library to finish making copies for tonight's staff meeting, return to apartment, eat dinner
6:30-8:45 - The Kindlings Muse
9:00-11:00 - SMC staff time

Twelve hours... booked solid. Waking up knowing what I'll be doing at any given 15 minutes in my day may be "productive", but I'm looking forward to when these days are over. Efficiency is overrated. And I am overcommitted. Tomorrow it all starts at 12pm, and finishes at 11:15pm... booked solid. Homework? Hmmm... working on that. Everything I'm doing, I love. But I'm also sacrificing rest. I'm sacrificing opportunity to pursue community and relationships, which is most significant to me right now. I rest knowing that early June, graduation, is not as far away as it seems - I will have time for people.

All said and done, I am not looking forward to graduation. Though I'm seeing how my time here is appropriately ending, the relationships I've formed at SPU are too significant to happily leave behind. I am, however, looking forward to regaining the time that school work and my SPU commitments require. I'm looking forward to when I can sit and enjoy the company of my friends without constantly glancing at the clock. For now, I need to choose commitment to my commitments, and I rest knowing that my other interests can actually wait. I like to think 5 months won't kill me.

As I mentioned yesterday, my post-graduation plan thus far include joining a couple living in the International District. They ask people to work (at a job) minimally, providing maximum time to invest in the community, in the people. I love that idea. So much. At this point, the only regular post-graduation expenses I foresee are: food, rent, bus pass, student loans. I can easily work just part-time to cover that. I like this idea. I like having large blocks of unstructured time to invest in people and not just the poor in the International District, but also people at SPU who will return in the Fall.

My predicament is my student loans, this silly debt. I'm tempted to work beyond "minimally" and put them there loans to death quickly. I just can't seem to conjure excitment about this idea though... I want to be with people, not owned by work. Waiting and praying...

Late January Medly

2007-01-28T16:16:00.000-08:00

I see my need for Jesus now more than I ever have before. I've been praying for pruning, refining, that God would humble me. God has humbled me. I put myself on high mountains, strutting and arrogant, flashing my feathers and gold stars. My security was rooted in my reputation, my good deeds known by men and my abusive flaunting of wisdom God has given me. I have used God to make a name for myself. I have sought man's approval rather than God's. I sowed a field of trash and trinkets, and reaped abundantly. I have looked in comparison to the shameful in others to boost and inflate myself. I have considered myself better than others. I grew impatient with the needy, broken, and weak, who sought my counsel, prayers and friendship, thinking selfishly only of my to-do list - sometimes even reading my Bible, or praying - I was really that thick. I am the white-washed wall, the hypocrite, who saw following Jesus as gaining recognition, jamming my schedule with "God-pleasing" (people-pleasing?) activities, but neglected the hurting around me. I have stifled the healing of others in parading my righteousness instead of comforting and encouraging. I have been quick to speak, and too much, and slow to listen. I have made Jesus into who I want him to be, not me into who he asks me to be. I have made decisions not rooted in a place of trusting God, and continue to feel the consequences and see the implications - no doubt lasting for many, many months to come. God is giving me proper perspective, and though it hurts, it is healthy. I feel like the boy in The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, when Aslan peals away the dragon skin. His pain was immense, but with it came freedom. I see how my own plans are like a page in a toddler's coloring book. My dog is blue, the grass is red, I'm in the lines but mostly colored outside of them. It's a treasure to me, and I gloat and lead my visitors to the fridge (I ask them to gawk). I've clung to it, while God invites me to take ownership of his plan, maybe something like the Sistine Chapel. Should it be a struggle? Why do I have trouble trusting God, and after all of the specific instances that come to mind of his faithfulness and intervention. My God is big, worthy, trustworthy.

Luke 6:32-33 If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' lend to 'sinners,' expecting to be repaid in full.

There are unlovables around me - people who annoy me, bother me, take my time, my energy, who take and do not give. Jesus loved the neglected and forgotten, the ones who had no friends, and drove the friends they did have away. Jesus was a radical. He had compassion on the weak, and chose to associate with the rejected. This sets Jesus apart. And yet I, a "follower" of him, grow irritated, frustrated, and discontent in their presence. I choose to fumble out a lame excuse to the hurting and fly back to safety, away from those who don't offer me anything. I see the hurt in their eyes, but run anyway being more concerned with my "pious" agenda than actually following Christ. In following Jesus, loving God and loving others becomes my prime directive. I prayed about this today, on my walk to Queen Anne in today's amazing weather. "Love is not self-seeking" is what I heard. What will my accomplishments add up to, in the end? Why do I allow the temporal of this world to take precedence over the eternal sons and daughters of God, so broken, seeking love that I am so capable of offering? By God's grace, I am learning...

I met last Wednesday with a nice couple living in the International District. They are living among the poor in low-income housing. They go to share the love and hope of Jesus among the poor, particularly the homeless. I'm considering strongly joining them after graduation. They seek to evangelize, disciple, and be in Christian community among the oppressed and forgotten of our society. They are following Jesus, and I want to learn from them. Though lately I have seen much of my brokenness, I also am indeed an ambassador of God's redemption, a testimony to the freedom from sin, and forgiveness and grace found in the blood of Christ. Though I've been crawling at the pace of a turtle in a bog, God is working in me. I feel it. I know it. I'm not interested in making money... what of it will I take with me after death? I'm not interested in being known... I've learned enough lately to see the counterfeit of the glory of fame for what it is. I just want to follow Christ... I just want to know Jesus.

I feel you, Paul

2007-01-24T23:25:00.000-08:00

I love being at the back during worship services now. I've always had that bug in me to raise my hands when I'm singing, even move around a little, and sometimes much. I'm just not into glee-suppression, you see. I thrive in worship services where freedom to move is welcomed, even though I'm not even that crazy. It's just nice knowing that people aren't going to freak out as your joy leaks, and that your hand raising simply won't impress anyone since they're all too busy celebrating God themselves! Since most places I sing and worship aren't moving-friendly, it's easy for my head to grow when I notice that I'm in the minority with my hands in the air and a smile on my face. Isn't that sick? I get real tired of my silly inclinations to seek man's approval. But anyway, the rad thing about worshipping from the back of the room is that there are few people to "impress" and thus, the temptation is largely removed. The Bible says that God gives us strength to overcome all temptations. I see now that overcoming temptations isn't just staring them in the face in bloody war, but often merely acknowledging and acting on the wisdom God gives to move away those tempting situations.

God has been breaking me down over these last couple weeks. It's painful, but that good kind of healing, healthy, refining pain.... exposing and surfacing the nasty NASTY things I've allowed into my life. In the back of the room, of course, while singing about the holiness of God tonight during one song in particular, I saw how I deeply I want to be made right, and yet also became aware of a fight within myself. On the one hand, I KNOW, from an abundance of personal experience, that the trustworthiness and faithfulness of God is not in question. On the other hand, I've clung like a dog to its bone to that which God's asking me to submit. I'm not sure my rebellion was a rational decision as much as it was mistakenly seeing the sin in my life as "me", part of my identity. In a sense, sin can be so engrained in us that we know no other reality - we don't understand what it's like for the dirty to be clean but that doesn't mean sin belongs! It's Romans 7 all over again.... doing the things I don't want to do, and not doing what I want to do. But God is so good... and so faithful... giving me wisdom to see my soul's sewage, STILL forgiving me, and giving my life through his righteousness and death.

Living a life of confession seems so liberating to me. Sin loses its strength and control through confession. Confessing gives that sin no place or authority in our lives. What would happen if I freely confessed my sin regularly? "Dude, I'm sorry, that was a lie..." or "Man, I really used my knowledge of God to make a reputation for myself. Will you pray with me?" We are supposedly a religion of sinners, after all. Isn't that a core theological foundation? I know that too often I live more in protecting my image, to seek being perceived as "got it all together" than I do humbly recognizing my true state. Silliness. The secret is out... I'm a sinner. We're all sinners! We do and think gross and disgusting acts and thoughts. Hiding from our brokeness is just what the enemy wants. Let's confess and live in the forgiveness and life of Christ rather than letting those sins fester, manipulate, and control. I choose to be a slave to righteousness, by the grace of God... and his grace IS sufficient for me, and for all of us.

Broomball

2007-01-21T23:19:00.000-08:00

Last night was the annual Moyer/Robbins Broomball matchup. Two years ago when I lived in Moyer I played and dislocated my left shoulder. Needless to say, it hurt, and I was raring to play again this year. I jumped in the game after about 20 minutes and two minutes later I was writhing on the ground, this time with the right shoulder out of its socket. My friend Sara, who lived in Moyer two years ago as well told me she was laughing more than feeling sorry for me... what are the chances? I was laughing too, eventually, once it popped back into the socket. My shoulder has been real sore all day long, and makes driving different, and laundry, and everything really, but it's functional enough that I could get by without others noticing... until they slap my shoulder with a hardy "good to see you!" slap. Had that happen twice today. Kevin suggested I start a facebook group for "people who have played broomball twice in two different years for both dorms and dislocated both shoulders." Good idea... except I don't use facebook, and I'm not sure that I would be in any sort of "group" at all.

Why I Am Not A Christian

2007-01-18T00:37:00.000-08:00

I'm taking a Philosophy class this quarter as part of my school’s common curriculum. Last week we had to read Bertrand Russell's (one of the atheist greats, if I understand right) Why I Am Not A Christian. In reference to the article, I'd heard "it's interesting" and "it made me think" in the past. I'd never read from a real atheist before (just Mormons, Muslims, and Buddhists) and I was, in a sense, eager to read Russell's arguments and concerns. I was disappointed.

After finishing the article, our teacher posed the question, Does it matter if faith is irrational to Russell?

To start with a copout answer, it actually doesn't matter what Russell, or any of us, thinks about faith and God or lack thereof. The reality is that God will be God and is independent of our beliefs about Him. Granted, I’m assuming (to understate) a God. If I’m wrong about an Existence, then that will be made clear soon enough (and if I’m wrong, I’m sure loving living in this hope and joy for now!). Presently, I have no good reason to think God is absent. Russell certainly gave me no substance to chew on… but I’m getting ahead of myself.

To answer my teacher’s question in the way I understand it's being asked: No. It would matter of course if reason was not irrational (since reason is rational by definition), but faith in its nature requires a certain degree of irrationality. This is not to say faith is entirely irrational. If that were the case, one could put faith in any bug or banana tree only on the basis that he feels like it. Faith is not independent of reason.

My impression after reading the article was that Russell shot himself in the foot if his intentions were to discourage Christians from the faith. If he was seeking validation from his admirers, I’m sure he tickled plenty of ears, yet without legitimate authority. I suggest this because of his poor representation of Christianity. For instance, in "disproving" the Natural-law argument, Russell talks about how in the days of Isaac Newton, Christians thought, "God had given a behest" for the planets revolving in the way that they do. Russell then brings Einstein's discoveries as contradictory evidence against God. In effect, Russell is saying that since Christians believed x about the universe, and since Einstein discovered x to be false, then it follows that God (and subsequently, Christianity)is false as well. But Einstein's material does not discount God in the least. It’s only the understanding of creation, not Creator, that changed. It's the Galileo controversy all over again. Perhaps the evolution controversy of today? Maybe, probably not.

Russell’s lack of accuracy is hardly isolated to sporadic sections of the article. Rather, the margins of my print-offs were marked on every page, filled with “actually”s in regards to what Christians actually believe. In one example of effectively misrepresenting the faith, Russell says, "It is a most astonishing thing that people can believe that this world… should be the best that omnipotence and omniscience have been able to produce…" I'm wondering what reliable informant communicated to Russell that this world was the "best" that omnipotence and omniscience could produce. In Genesis creation story, where Christians would draw such a claim, God does call earth "good" - I’ve never read “best.” “It’s just semantics” perhaps? Perhaps, but it’s easy to see that the new heaven and new earth spoken of in Revelation is a vast improvement upon this earth. Thus, this earth cannot be best. As for the assumed best "producing nothing better than KKK or the fascists" remark, Christians don't claim the tragedies of our lives as part of the design at all. Instead, we recognize the KKK, genocides, disease, even death etc as a perversion of design as a result of the Fall. Russell needs to acknowledge actual Christian doctrine if he expects credibility.

Besides this, Russell stoops even lower to throw the Christian train from its rails. In speaking of Design, he attempts to "prove" his point of the Design Argument’s absurdity with humor using the analogies of the white rabbit tail and Voltaire’s sarcastic remark that the nose was made for spectacles (read his article to get the full context). By making people laugh, he may gain favor and allegiance, but he is not proving anything – no Design believer is going to go as far to actually assert his examples as evidence for Design. Russell needs to take seriously what Design supporters believe if he seeks to properly and effectively debunk the argument.

These inconsistencies and misrepresentation of Christianity and its beliefs throughout his essay/speech added to many others (taking Scripture selectively, and certainly out of context was another Russell favorite) made it difficult to take him serious at any level. If he had accurately described Christianity and then also proceeded to make arguments against the faith, taking into account the fullness of the Christian belief system, I would be writing a different response.

The Falcon

2007-01-17T09:47:00.000-08:00

Today's Falcon (our school newspaper) sports an article about New Horizons in the Features section... The writer, who was doing her first story ever (which, is an honor to share in!), and I met last Wednesday for an interview, seeing as I'm the New Horizons liaison here at SPU. I'll admit that my quotes had me groaning in a little frustration... It's not quite what I said. I noticed on her pad that she was taking down the right key words fine enough, but the way they were reconstructed for the story isn't exactly verbatim. Oh well! The fault is mostly mine though in my inability to articulate. I do think its great that New Horizons is getting ink, though. It was also a fun experience getting interviewed and being part of a newspaper production! Anyway, here is the article:

Hope Along Horizon

Prayer Part 2 - God Answers

2007-01-16T13:45:00.000-08:00

There is a group on my floor who prays every Sunday night. This last Sunday, Rachel (the gal leading it this week) thought it good to whip out paper and Crayola markers, make some pictures, then share how God has been listening and responding. I'm not artsy by anyone's standards, and usually roll my eyes during these activities, but I did enjoy taking inventory of just what God has been doing. It helped me not to take God's work in my life for granted. Anyway, here's my pre-schoolesqe masterpiece.

Deuteronomy 4:7 "What other nation is so great as to have their gods near them the way the Lord our God is near us whenever we pray to him?"

Jen's Letter

2007-01-15T17:55:00.000-08:00

Jen also wrote a letter about our unravelling, and I asked if she wanted me to post it here too for my friends to read. She said "yes", so here is her perspective. As you can tell from comparing her letter to my post (Hearts), she's not nearly as long-winded as me... :-)

Thank you all for your prayers. Here's Jen:

I'm writing this e-mail to update you on my life. I know that some of
you have heard more of this than others. As some of you know Zach and
I are no longer together. We broke up last week. I want to be sure
that I am able to explain to everyone the situation as best as I can.
I also want you to know how I feel about it. So I will start with the
beginning of Christmas break. Zach went to Thailand, and I went to
Portland. During this break we had a plan. Our plan was to seek out
those who have been mentors, and people who speak into our lives. We
wanted to spend the break really seeking others and their advice to
help give guidance in the direction we were headed. It was important
to us that we listened to the advice of others, who have gone before.
On the car ride down to Portland I was praying, praying that if this
isn't what God had for me, if Zach wasn't who I was supposed to be
with, that God would do something big. I prayed that he would reveal
in an undeniable way that Zach and I wasn't His plan. We were in this.
We had everything laid out, and it all fit, and we were planning on
getting married. So as the break went on I met with people who I
really respect and admire. The continual response I got was, Jen we
trust you. You are a rational person, you have your head on straight,
and you are seeking God. If you think this is right and good, then we
trust you. As I heard this over and over I began to wonder if I
trusted myself, and I decided to pray harder. In all reality I don't
trust myself. I don't trust my plan, so I had to rely on God, that He
would reveal His plan. Meanwhile Zach was in Thailand meeting with the
men in his life that he respects. He was faced with the question are
you seeking God? Our relationship had a lot to do with God. We prayed
for our relationship, we went to church together, we talked about what
God was doing in our lives, and asked each other questions. God was a
part of our relationship, however Zach started to realize that there
wasn't a clear time when he truly asked God, is Jen who you have for
me Lord? So he began to seek. The answer he was getting was, no you
are not to marry Jen. There is a lot more to Zach's part of the story,
and I could go on to tell you what he went through and how this all
came to be, but I don't think that is necessary. What is important is
that we feel affirmed that God is saying we aren't supposed to be
married. Yes me included in that. Zach is great, and there are no
harsh, or bitter feelings towards each other. We are both at peace in
the knowledge that we are following God, and that we are being
obedient. Yes this is still hard, and yes there has been a lot of pain
involved, but it is good, God is good. I don't regret anything. We
have learned so much from each other, and have grown so much as
people, and in our relationships with Christ that I can't help but be
thankful for this process. I am glad that everything happened so
quickly. We aren't so wrapped up in each other's lives that we don't
know how to live without one another, which helps the healing process.
I just want to end by saying that God is faithful, and he will answer
when you call. It may not be the answer you want, but if you are
willing to trust him fully with your life, and give it up entirely to
Him, he will surely bless you. Pray for me, pray for Zach. I love you
all, and I thank you for all of your prayer and support during this
time in my life.

Jen

The Matrix Chair

2007-01-14T21:17:00.000-08:00

The Matrix is one of my favorite movies. Do you remember those spiffy chairs our heros sit in during their Matrix escapades? Do you remember how it downloads all sorts of useful knowledge and skills directly into their brains? It's that same chair all students crave as they are cramming for finals... it'd be so much easier to make that test look silly by getting zapped with a few seconds (and 20,000 years worth) of "European History of Art." Do you remember this chair? This scene might jog your memory:

Neo : Can you fly that thing?

Trinity : ...Not yet.

She takes out a cellular phone, and calls Tank, who is back at the controls.

Tank : Operator.

Trinity : Tank, I need a program for a V-212 helicopter...Hurry!

Tank finds one, and presses load. Trinity's eyes flicker with REM for a few moments, and then snap open.

Trinity : Lets go.

Rad! The question I asked my SMCs over dinner Friday night, and my question for you is: If you had the chance to sit in the chair, what skills or knowledge would you ask for?

What I Learned At Retreat

2007-01-14T20:34:00.000-08:00

- It's suprisingly liberating having no chance to check my email. I'm addicted, I've decided.
- Adding salt to boiling water allows your food to cook faster! Something about allowing water to boil at a higher temperature before it turns to steam - these are the nifty tricks that will get me far on the mission field.
- Sabbath is about more than rest (though rest is a significant part). Sabbath is also about submitting control of your life to God, and "sticking it" to a world that socializes you into believing you must be productive 24/7 to live a life of success. Resting when the world says GO seems so devious and subversive to me. It's saying, "I'm going to sit here and chill, spending time with my God, my friends, my family, because my "to-do" list doesn't define me. I'm a child of God, saved not by works but by grace and the blood of my Savior, Jesus Christ, Son of God, and He asks me to rest, then calls it good."
- By not taking a Sabbath, we indirectly proclaim, "I don't need God, nor do I see Him wise enough to offer a worthwhile gift." I was thinking on the trip home that its a pity how I grouped "Sabbath" into what I could choose to ignore of the Law with my "freedom in Christ." Sabbath is a luxury!
- My SMCs are even more fabulous than I thought before.

My Messianic Jewish AIM friend and I were talking about Sabbath once, and how he celebrated. It went like this: service, huge meal(!), and the rest of the day just being with those of his synagogue... playing games, relaxing, sharing about the week. I was impressed and inspired. Thinking about my aunt, who has all her kids and grandkids over for every Sunday "dinner", then the rest of the day to enjoy each other, I decided I want to be more intentional about inviting over friends for a nice Sunday dinner... when we can just relax, and hang out for the rest of the afternoon, talking about life, God, and laughing lots as well.

Half-Birthday

2007-01-12T13:17:00.000-08:00

Today.

Sheesh, that went fast.

Celessa (my fellow RHMC) made a cake, cause it was her half-birthday yesterday (and, funny enough, our birthdays are only a day apart too... fancy that!), and we did our best to eat half of it. We figured out too, that it was legitimately, simultaneously, both of our half birthdays as we consumed that yummy confetti cake... 10pm on the 11th in Seattle is, afterall, 1pm on the 12th in Thailand.

Sabbath

2007-01-12T00:48:00.000-08:00

After a good sleep and a few classes, I'll be off to the Campus Ministries retreat. This year's theme is "Sabbath". I Sabbath poorly, and have effectively overloaded myself in many senses of the word. I'm in a bind. On the one hand, I have admittedly over-committed myself. On the other, I recognize the value and the necessity of taking a Sabbath, and also desire it. Maybe my conclusion here is a cop-out, but I am quite sure that my commitments and taking a Sabbath will be mutually exclusive. To take a Sabbath could mean breaking my commitments. To neglect a Sabbath could be to rob myself of a great gift God has put in the order of creation. I'm looking for a divine third option. Maybe I'll pray for some of that sun-stopping in the OT...?

I want to say now, cause I can hardly bear not to write this very moment, that God has been teaching me lots about the spiritual realm, if you want to call it that. But I'm tired and on my way to bed no, and I won't be back from my retreat till late Saturday. What's the rush anyway? Perhaps I will write Sunday.

Thanks, all, for your prayers for Jen and I, by the way. I've received a flood of emails assuring your prayers, and I cherish them much. They are not in vain... the situation has been getting much better, though getting completely out of this water will take many moons.

Hearts

2007-01-09T15:50:00.000-08:00

I am here to share a difficult bit of news with you all. And yet, there is peace in midst of the pain.

As you know, Jen and I started "dating", or whatever you'd like to call it, last November. We had been making some steady advances toward some serious steps in our relationship when this Christmas break came. We thought it would be wise to spend this break gathering the thoughts, wisdom, and opinions from people in our lives whom we respect, who have been through these relationships, have married, and (usually) have kids. What should we be aware of? Are we taking the right steps? What advice do you have? We'd ask these sorts of questions.

I met with five different men, all of whom had plenty of good counsel to offer (to save for another day (perhaps) and thus not make this post not longer than it needs to be). I collided with a vital question while meeting with the first guy, Richard. At one point toward the end of our conversation, after all appeared good and well, he asked me, "Have you sought God in this?"

Before I move on, I want to take a few steps back and share how the relationship started. Back at the beginning of this quarter, my roommate, Kevin, and I ended up talking for over four hours about the wonder of the female gender, marriage, and how excited we were to be married some day. Marriage is something I've been looking forward to my whole life. I recognize that sometimes God has other plans, and that his calling me to some place to some people may require that I give marriage up, and for that reason I hold it in an open hand. Yet I still hope for the day when I will marry. Anyway, as Kevin and I were wrapping up our conversation, I told him, "Kevin, I'm going to pray about this. I just want to be married badly right now, so I'm gonna pray and tell God that."

And I did... for the next four days in the mornings. A few weeks later, I started to notice Jen in ways I hadn't before, things about her I admired, etc. I became intentional about spending more time with her, and a few weeks later found myself embarking with her on a relationship adventure as a "we". My thinking was, "I prayed, I noticed Jen, this is good, I will do it." And so we "happened" and we spent lots of time together through which I enjoyed much getting to know the fabulous person that Jen is, that God has created.

Early on, however, I noticed something in the midst of our fun and good times that made me feel discontent. Not something about Jen as much as it was about my heart. I classified it as relationship woes typical to each and every relationship that ever happens between a man and a woman and thought nothing more of it. "Love is a choice - love your way through it," I told myself. And I did just that. I did my most to love her as best as I understood, and I like to think I did a fairly good job.

When Richard asked me, "Have you sought God in this?" I was terrified. I knew that he had stuck his finger on the discontentment I'd been feeling and ignoring. Knowing how invested I and Jen both were in the relationship, however, I played it off saying, "Oh for sure! We go to church together and talk about the sermons, we share what we are learning about our faiths, we pray together occasionally too." And it was all true. But it was not the answer to the question Richard was asking. Sure, we prayed for the relationship, but did we, or I, ever pray about the relationship? I knew I never had, and it scared me.

An understatement is that Richard's question consumed my free thinking time over the next few days. No distraction I construed could dislodge it. I knew that God had spoken through Richard and that I must listen. I was pulling a Jonah, running, and life seemed to be falling apart around me.

Next I met with Paul, a man in Chiang Rai for whom I have so much respect. His son Luke is/was one of my best friends while I lived in Thailand. We were having lunch at a favorite noodle shop, and to my dismay, Paul asked me the same question in a different form: "Are you seeking God about this relationship, Zach?" I had to answer no. I started to give the same answer I gave Richard, but I couldn't finish... it hurt. So I was honest and told him I hadn't...

I also met with Jeff, Kenny, and Nathan and his wife Bethany during my time to talk about my relationship with Jen... to pick their brains and glean the wisdom I could. They all asked me, some directly, and some in making off-topic comments about the value of seeking God, if I had brought God into a place of guidance in this relationship.

I couldn't run any longer... and the reality was (and is) that I cared for Jen. She became one of my best friends. She was the one I'd go see before I went to my apartment. We'd share about our days, and why we laughed that day, etc etc. And it was precisely because I cared for her that I felt it vital to seek God. If God did not give his blessing, it would be a tragedy for me to force a relationship through. I did not want to do this. So with much fear and trepidation, I fasted, and prayed, seeking God and his direction in this relationship.

An interesting thing happened that has been crucial to my understanding of God and who we ought to be before him. As I asked God about Jen, he asked me about how I'd been treating my mother. Frustrated that God was scared and dodging the issue (ha, if I only knew) I kept asking about Jen. Eventually though, my dense self caught on and walked downstairs, knowing what I had to do. I found my mom and asked forgiveness for the way I'd been short and inappropriate in recent conversations with my mom. I went back upstairs and asked, "God, what of Jen?". But God next wanted to talk about my dad. I went downstairs again, and apologized to my dad for not respecting him or giving him the honor he deserves as my father. Upstairs again, seeking God, I began creating a list of debts and apologies I owed, promises I had not kept, and forgiveness I needed to deal and seek. I learned that God wants a clean heart when we seek him.

Then I realized that my heart was the very issue. When I prayed that day for a wife, my heart was not in a clean place. While I don't feel that the desire to marry is evil, I do think that it was not appropriate from the place my heart was praying from. I still didn't understand though... and I asked, "Lord, how is it that you don't give me peace in this relationship? I prayed and saw without a doubt myself being pulled toward Jen. It was so obviously you. How can you answer a prayer, yet now give me no sense of peace?" And as I asked, I was reminded of the story of Israel and their asking for a king. Israel looked around to the surrounding nations and in their sin, sought to be led by men rather than God. God warned them too... he told them the downfalls of having a king, but Israel persisted, and God acquiesced. I saw my situation as the same, with a different face. What I'm not saying is that Jen is evil, or that being in a relationship with Jen was evil. I'm saying that my heart was not in a good place... my prayer for a wife was rooted in a selfish place, not in a heart that was clean and seeking God. I understood the discomfort I'd felt all along. I understood that though Jen was someone I thought was rad (funny enough, after meeting her the first time I made it one of my goals to come away from the year her friend) that she was not the girl I would marry. I saw that my clinging to her was largely rooted in a fear that in acknowledging that discomfort, I'd be disobeying God, who I'd assumed brought her into my life (and in a sense, I suppose he did).

Then the weight of my sin hit me. And it hurt me so much. Though there was peace, knowing that I, by the grace of God, could now make right what could have been harmful for Jen and I, I knew I still had to deal with the consequences of my sin. I knew that I would have to separate myself from Jen, and that considering the amount of investment we'd both contributed, and there had been very much, let me tell you, this process would be the most painful of my life.

And it was certainly the most painful experience of my life. Though I thought myself smart, I never ever understood the weight of responsibility it is to hold a girl's heart. Us men must do all we can to protect the hearts of the women we are pursuing, and only make it possible for them to give as much as we are sure to reciprocate in our commitment. This is not a game and don't ever convince yourself that you are playing in the exception. Women, when a man begins to start knocking on your door, seemingly with some intentions beyond borrowing some butter (again), you look him in the eye and ask him if he's sought God in this. If he says "no", tell him to get lost and be honest with himself before God, then return if he's getting green lights (that is, if you are interested as well). And you girls... should seek God too.

I'm the biggest fool that ever walked for neglecting my responsibility of seeking God. This heartache was preventable, and in my foolishness, I have damaged a precious child of God, as well as myself. I had to ask forgiveness from Jen, and being the amazing person that she is, she found it in herself to forgive me, even after taking her on this painful journey.

And that led me to a bigger issue in my heart: Not only had I neglected seeking God with my relationship with Jen, I'd also neglected seeking him in most everything including my work in ministry as an RHMC for the fabulous Moyer/Robbins staff, my work at New Horizons, my future as I graduate in a short six months, and more. Needless to say, God has been doing surgery on me in relation to the need for a clean heart, and one that is ever seeking our good Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

And that is what is going on.... please be praying for me, and especially for Jen. Perhaps the hardest part about this is knowing that she is in pain, and that I am helpless to help her. We decided it was best, and for good reason, that we don't hang out until we can both find a fair bit of healing.

Lastly, learn from my mistakes, those of you are still single. And most importantly, seek a clean heart before God, and seek God... Our loving Lord.

Sin and Sufjan

2006-12-28T22:33:00.000-08:00

I'm a fan of Sufjan Stevens. His music and voice is unique, as is his expression style lyrically. Alex just bought me his Illinoise album for Christmas, and I've since enjoyed it in my driving around Chiang Rai. I want to share the lyrics to the fourth song on the album called John Wayne Gacy Jr.

In case you aren't familiar with John Wayne Gacy Jr (I wasn't, and you ought to be to understand the song), Wikipedia gives the following brief description:

John Wayne Gacy, Jr., (March 17, 1942 - May 10, 1994) was an American serial killer. He was convicted and later executed for the rape and murder of 33 boys and young men, 28 of whom he buried in the crawl space under his house, between 1972 and his arrest in December 1978. He became notorious as the "Killer Clown" because of the manyblock parties he attended, entertaining children in a clown suit and makeup.

This songs shows a profound understanding of sin, though I'm not sure that was Sufjan's intent. If you can listen along, I encourage it. Here's the song, with some comments of mine following:

John Wayne Gacy Jr - Sufjan Stevens
His father was a drinker
And his mother cried in bed
Folding John Wayne's T-shirts
When the swing set hit his head

The neighbors they adored him
For his humor and his conversation
Look underneat the house there,
Find the few living things rotting fast
in their sleep, oh the dead
Twenty-seven people, even more
They were boys, with their cars,
summer jobs, oh my God
Are you one of them?

He dressed up like a clown for them
With his face paint white and red
And on his best behavior
In a dark room, on the bed, he kissed them all
He'd kill ten thousand people
With the slight of his hand, running far,
running fast to the dead
He took off all their clothes for them
He put a cloth on their lips, quiet hands,
quiet kiss on the mouth

And in my best behavior
I am really just like him
Look beneath the floorboards
For the secrets I have hid

This song humbles me... "And in my best behavior, I am really just like him." I am not like JWG in actual sin. I've never raped a boy, or girl; I've never killed anyone. I've never been part of exploitation that has left millions hungery and diseased. But I have lied, I have thought disgusting thoughts, I have envied, I have lusted, I have not honored my mother and father, and I have used God for my own purposes. Yet, as far as God is concerned, in my sin, I am just like John Wayne Gacy Jr. While the consequences of my sins here on earth are noticably less, we(JWG and I) have both together fallen short of the glory of God. I am really just like him... I may as well have raped and murdered considering the separation my sin created. I thank again my Father God for sending his son Jesus Christ to rescue me, and make a way for me to be with God again through the forgiveness of sins that comes through Christ shedding his blood on the cross. I am just as deserving of hell as John Wayne Gacy Jr, and John Wayne Gacy Jr was just as much offered the grace Christ has offered me.

Language

2006-12-26T08:57:00.000-08:00

I have this IM friend... I don't even remember who first IMed who, but we were talking tonight about Jesus and Jewish stuff, cause this guy is Jewish, but still believes that Jesus is his Savior. At one point (without knowing of my language fetishes) he said:

And when you get into the Hebrew language, it gets really interesting. Jesus, Yeshua, in Hebrew, when you break down the letters, and look at their pictrographic meanings, (each hebrew letter is actually a word in itself) means the Door to Salvation. I mean it doesn't get much realer than that.

I thought that was blog-worthy-rad... so call me a linguistic nerd!

Little Me

2006-12-24T06:56:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about evangelism lately and intend to spew on the topic for a few moments.

Over the last couple of weeks, I have been a part of two evangelistic presentations. Please read “been a part of” loosely. See, I was present, but not participating. I was watching - once as a driver recruited to haul a bunch of Christian students on an outreach to a local tribal village here in Northern Thailand, once as a member of the audience at the church Christmas production. Anyway, I was observing, and also thinking... and being a silent, criticizing cynic.

If you are going to read the next few paragraphs, you have to promise to read the post through to the end. I am going to share the nasty (though not necessarily correct) thoughts I thunk while at the Akha village and the church Christmas production. But before you take offense, get pissed off, and block this site, finish the post and see how God is transforming my imperfect, broken self.

Frustrations with the Akha outreach:

Thirty rich (relatively for sure!) white kids, and a bunch of well-to-do Thais drop-in for a single morning. We have no established relationships and what is perhaps worse: no serious intentions to return on a consistent basis.
All we're doing is playing games and giving candy. What are we indirectly teaching about God if all they see Christians do is run around screaming and pelting small village children with sweets? Granted, we also did hand out blankets and the kids were enjoying their candy and games, but it’s about so much more, right?
Our own students are smacking each other's butts, goofing off during the Christmas play, not paying attention to the facilitator... If our own folks are respecting the speaker, why would the tribal children? And do they even understand Thai anyway?
We will leave these poor, hungry, cold people to go eat our nice lunch that is sitting in our nine trucks (that are probably worth more than the entire village) in a cute park, then drive home where we don't have to (though we could) think about it ever again. It just seemed backward to bring a feast and share none.
Who do we think we are to stop their school for a day to run our program?

Frustrations with the Christmas production:

Ridiculously loud. Most of the audience gave little or no attention to the stage and instead chatted. It seemed to be first a social event with the stage events playing no more role than "background filler". To compete, the church continually increased their sound system volume. As could be expected, to combat that assault, people's voices grew louder so they could still hear their friends. Needless to say, decibels only increased with time.
And we were there for over five hours. How do you expect people to attentively listen to a gospel message or even care to when they have been sitting for five hours in a noisy, obscenely obnoxious production most of which had little or nothing at all to do with Christmas? Why are we singing and dancing about Santa and Christmas Trees all on the church stage?
The game. We played a game involving small pieces of paper thrown out by leaders. On these pieces of paper were characteristics to exchange with our neighbors that supposedly said something about who the other person was.... Some good: "to be diligent", "to be kind", and some positive, though not necessarily important such as "to have a pretty girlfriend/handsome boyfriend". Others though, and most of the ones that I received, said things like "pass gas all day" and "bad breath" and "big stomach" and "a lot of wrinkles". This is what I wrote to Jen last week after the event in my frustration: "It just seemed so bizarre to me that we were playing this stupid game that had so many degrading characteristics that we are passing around to one another, in church, at Christmas, on the day when there were clearly far more people than had ever been there, clearly people who had never been in a church or heard the gospel message… and what are we communicating to them through this?"

God is big. I am small.

As the Christmas production finally wound down, the pastor gave an evangelistic explanation about why the church was, who Jesus was, what He was all about, etc. I was squirming, desperately wanting to disassociate myself from the night’s absurd program (save a little that was quality), extremely frustrated that this church had screwed up such a great opportunity to share about Jesus and the hope, love, life, and redemption found in him. I brought my arrogant attitude back to church the next morning where I heard that 56 people had decided to follow Christ the previous night... and all I could do the night before was bicker, moan, and groan.

Through Scripture, God has brought surgical conviction concerning my attitudes.

All through Acts, you see the apostles and disciples sharing the gospel at seemingly every opportunity. Sometimes, "three thousand were added to their number that day" (2:41) and other times they got the crap kicked out of them (even until death) or received a feisty verbal assault. And the followers of Christ keep preaching… everywhere.

Interesting to me: some accepted, many rejected… and this the words of those who had been with Jesus, those who were doing miracles. I saw that I carry an elevated perception of people that needed to change. I believe that the gospel is true, and I naively believed that when people are handed the truth, they will not be able to help changing their lives. When I would share the gospel, and people would reject, I became extremely disturbed being convinced that I must not actually know or understand my saving Christ. After all, if I share the gospel, and people reject it (and how could they reject the TRUTH?) then I must not be delivering the real truth. As I mentioned before though, some people aren't ready, some people don't want it, and all people are naturally fallen. It’s is only the work of the Holy Spirit that brings people to God. I ought not to get hung up on rejection and mockery... I ought instead to keep moving, to invest in those who are spiritually thirsty, and pray for those who have not yet hungered. It would be a tragedy to withhold sharing the good news in fear that some who are listening may not like it or want it. I believe now the gospel is worth sharing even if only one person comes to the liberating, saving knowledge of Christ. Everyone always says, "you can't please everyone" and it's true, you can't... not even with the gospel of Jesus. Some listeners are seeking with soft hearts waiting for talk of God, while others' hearts are hard and will ridicule and turn the other direction… or turn for a rock. My responsibility is to be obedient to Christ and cast seed... some will fall on fertile soil, some on rocky ground - that is just how the cookie crumbles.

1 Corinthians 1:17-19 says, "For Christ did not send me to baptize, but to preach the gospel - not with words of human wisdom, lest the cross of Christ be emptied of its power. For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing. For it is written: 'I will destroy the wisdom of the wise; the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate.'"

Then the passage goes on to talk about how God uses the foolish things of this world to bring people to him... and it is genius. It is God being God... being wiser than all of us. God simply doesn't make sense, at first glance, and I love it. God used the Christmas program at church to bring 56 people to him. I, a follower of Christ even, scoffed. And it was the perfect environment for God to be glorified. God using the unlikely is a theme all throughout the Bible... Moses, for instance. Or, at this Christmas time, how about Jesus? I know we are familiar with the story, but a manger? Really? Bethelehem? Nazereth? A carpenter? It's not the resume of a king that you would expect.

When I think about it more, it actually doesn't make any sense for God to work any other way.... God is not dependent on us, and for us to spend our energy and efforts of choreographing a perfect presentation with every word in its proper place, the perfect setting, the perfect atmosphere, the perfect whatever... it elevates us to a place where we assume saving power lays within us frail human beings and not in God. We simply cannot carry a burden that can only be God's and its foolishness to try. It's foolishness to stress over getting every detail right. The reality is that when God is working, his Holy Spirit is both speaking through you and interpreting those words into the deep places of the listener. God uses us, but he's independent of us at the same time. As we spread the word, the seed, it is God who makes it grow. God can make our imperfect words just right. We are not the point. God doesn't need us. He doesn't need our help decorating his gospel. Let's be careful to avoid devaluing God by stressing out on the value of ourselves.

I’m not sure what the children’s (and their parents’) perceptions were at the village, but I believe God was there, and that results that glorify God will some day (if not that day) birth from it.

As I also wrote to Jen, "God is bigger than my theology, and it drives me nuts."

Discipline

2006-12-19T08:03:00.000-08:00

Here I am confessing: I struggle to do what I must do, opting often to do what I want to do. A simple, and currently relevant, example is my tendency to finish school assignments at the last minute possible. I realized today that this habit is rooted in a fear that in spending all my time on "what I have to do" instead of "what I get to do", I will never live my life. Opportunites, relationships, ministry.... will pass me by in a blur, and I'll finish this world holding... nothing of substance in my hands, nothing to show, because I spent my whole life checking boxes on my task list. This is my great fear... why I don't do what I need to do easily.

The bind: when my "to do" list is ever hovering above my head, I'm never quite free to fully invest in my passions. I can never let go entirely. My "to read" list (and these being books I want to read) is so large. I love to spend time writing on here, trying to work out life. I want to spend time with the people I love. And so... I put off my Latin, my Sociolinguistics term project, my entire European Art class etc to read books I want to read, write (very rarely) and spend time with the people I love, especially a few in particular, as of lately.

I wonder what would happen if I pushed on though... if I used the remaining couple weeks of the break to WORK... to get ahead of the game... to take a break from my wants, then see if I could stay there. My lurking fear is that the work will be the habit, and I'll become one of those guys who forgets his family, his dreams, his gifts and blindly pursues... nothing of substance. Chaff. I have a real hard time comprehending what it would feel like to have nothing on my "must" list, free to entertain my "want" list. Is it even realistic? Do people ever finish every demand, satisfy every obligation? Seems worth it though to be able to actually throw my whole self at what I truly care about.

Integrity

2006-12-17T22:31:00.000-08:00

Over the summer I emailed a bunch of friends from many different circules to ask how they defined integrity. This is how I posed the question:

I’ve been writing up a little piece lately on integrity and, in my curiosity, thought to ask a few people what their thoughts were….

If you’re game, could you tell me how you define integrity in the form of a brief example? Such as:

Integrity is giving the cashier the extra change they gave you.

I intended to write some thoughts about the topic, but eventually chose not to. However, I figured I would at least post all the input here, seeing as I see much wisdom, though I don't necessarily agree with or endorse all of the replies. If you respond to any of them (each new response is indicated by a changing color), do it in a way that you would want your response to be treated. Enjoy:

Integrity is doing the right thing even though no one may ever know what you did.

Intergrity is watching someone drop a $20 bill on the ground and following them to their car to give it back. (actually did it when I was 12. However, my dad was there too so I'm not sure my actions were completely done out of integrity! )

True integrity is always doing the right thing when no one is looking and keeping a pure heart while doing it.
Integrity is, obeying all your parents rules and guidlines even while they are on vacation, leaving the house to yourself.

I suppose that is a good example, integrity is what I live off of though, I believe that it flows into work, school, church, games, anything and everything you do. If you are called a "man of great integrity" that is an increadible compliment, considering to me it means pure, if you have integrity you also have transparancey, there is nothing for you to hide, and nothing to run from. Now, if someone called me that, I would be flattered, but at the same time, I would have to disagree, because I do have things I wish I could just hide, but anyway. that's integrity.

I think of good integrity as sticking to your morals no matter what the cost is....

Example: Saying no to a rated R movie even though it has your favorite actor in it...

Integrity is being true to your words and faithful to the commitments you make.

Perhaps you know what this stems from, but if not, it was about a person who has stuck by their commitment to not drink alcohol because they made a commitment to SPU, even though they're over 21.

I hope that is along the lines of what you were looking for. You can use the example of the drinking policy at SPU if you want to. It's such a tricky one, but even this person I'm talking about, who doesn't necessarily think drinking is bad, has stuck by their word. They've never had a sip of alcohol and don't plan to until after they graduate. I think that is a pretty amazing stance because so many people take this policy in particular very lightly.

Integrity is showing up to a brothers baseball game when you say you'll be there.

when you have a thought about something, or a certian way you approach a situation, to stick to your guns and do what you know to be right.

Integrity is doing what you believe to be right in your heart even if you recieve no direct benefit. Integrity is participating in communities and teams as to fulfill the group's greatest needs rather than acting selfishly in order to achieve your own desires. Integrity does not seek to divide. Integrity does not allow you to cheat your opponent even if the opportunity arises, you will not get caught, and there will be no negative consequences. Integrity is the honor system.

Integrity has a really unique meaning to me. Integrity is a virtue. It means standing for something and defending it. Integrity is embracing a moral point of view. As far as examples go, I am at a loss, but I've tried to provide to you my definition.

A person of integrity is willing to bear the consequences of his convictions.

Finally, to me, integrity is summed up best by this statement:

If you have much, give much. If you have little, give your heart.

I would say that integrity is doing the right thing, even when it isn't beneficial to you.

if your friend gives you the answers to the chemistry test you're going to take tomorrow, but you say no and take the test on your own.

Integrity is focusing on your own test paper, when the 4.0 kid's paper is in clear view.

i believe integrity isn't merely doing what is clearly right, (like giving back extra change etc) but taking the time to question the way you are living, what you are doing, the choices you are making, and deciding if it is. also, i believe integrity is being brutally honest with yourself while still showing mercy to those around you...

I looked the word integrity up and realized there is much more depth to this word than I imagined. My favorite part of the definition is that which says, "the quality of condition of being whole; completeness."

I would say...

Integrity is being comfortable enough with yourself to ennoble the shamed without being ashamed.

Integrity is a lifestyle not just a quality. It's being able to walk past tomorrow's test and NEVER sneak a peak. And after doing so, it's NOT going around and telling everyone what you DIDN'T do.

It's doing the "right" thing for the right reasons, in every situation possible.

When someone has integrity, others don't always know it.
And when you don't, many times people think you do.

i always stay calm, dont get angry, be cool, win or lose doesn't matter to me, just have fun

I guess your example strikes me more as honesty, rather than integrity. And while both are connected I see integrity as being authentic with others about who you really are (which involves honesty) or what you are about. I just see integrity as being yourself to everybody.

I would go on about the differences between honesty and integrity in my mind, but you didn't ask for that, and could easily consult a dictionary for the minutia.

Integrity is a kiss on the first date instead of coming inside.

Integrity is telling someone you love Jesus because you actually do, not because that's what you're supposed to say to non-believers.

Integrity is telling the truth when you know you have to, facing the person you know you need to tell that thing to, and saying it.

Integrity is owning up to that HUGE mistake, or that tiny one, that is in fact your fault.

Integrity is not "borrowing the towels" from the hotel when you know you shouldn't take them out of the room.

Integrity is telling the truth about how many roommates will be living in one house.

Integrity on the job looks like this for me right now: spending my time and energy serving the people I'm here to serve, instead of engaging in political maneuvering to further my own career.

integrity is practicing what you preach.

Integrity is not laughing along to look cool when you really don't understand the joke that was just made in German.

Integrity is owning your mistakes.

Integrity is following through on commitments you have made.

Integrity is understanding and not being understood.

Integrity is taking care of your kids.

Integrity is saying you don't know something rather than trying to look good or impress others.

Integrity is telling someone the hard truth rather than forever remain in their good graces.

Integrity is asking forgiveness of another.

Integrity is living out your ideals

Integrity is looking foolish doing a dance video game (to build relationship).

Instead of going thorugh with the interview at [an organization] I declined it because I knew in my heart I would have been running away from the monotony and difficulties of my own job rather than carrying out my responsibilities faithfully and trusting in God to show me the next step. Then...telling my boss about the temptation of having been offered the possibility of another job.

intergrity means "wholeness" and to me implies consistency and staying true to who you are and what you believe. You say what you mean and keep your promises, you live out what you believe without a discommect between your philosophy and your life.

Snow

2006-11-27T19:57:00.000-08:00

Snow in Seattle... Odd, but I'm not going to argue with it. I've had my fair share of playing in it too... haven't quite reached my quota of snowball flinging as of yet. Jen got me real good though last night... in the eye. She knocked my contact out! Speaking of Jen, here is a picture of her and my roommate Kevin.

It's funny how for me, and my other dormmates here in Robbins, and the majority of the Seattle area, snow represents a good time, a relief from school work, an exciting distraction. I'm wondering about all those youth I see on Wednesday nights who are out on the streets though... and the rest of the homeless community. For them, snow represents anything but fun. It's only a threat. I don't mean to be sobering... let's just not forget to help those we see in need, especially at this time of year.

School break happens in a couple weeks. I'm looking forward to it much, though not entirely. The good about break: I miss my parents and I want some time to think and gather and just be... and to read.

Jen

2006-11-17T02:13:00.000-08:00

So there's this girl... and I like her. Her name is Jen Orr. We're together now. Just thought you all should know.

Men Pee Standing Up

2006-11-03T13:00:00.000-08:00

And there is always splatter on the ground around the urinal... it gets tracked along the bathroom floor, on shoes...

The point of this post is: DON'T BELIEVE THE TEN SECOND RULE.

Don't eat food off the ground, friends.

Leverage

2006-10-31T10:12:00.000-08:00

A wise someone (I forget who) told me I should start reading the Proverbs if I want to be wise. Seemed wise to me to be wise, so I have been. The Proverbs work nice with the month... today is the 31st, so I read Proverb 31. Tomorrow starts a new month, tomorrow I start the Proverbs again.

I always thought that all of Proverbs 31 was about the perfect wife, but what stuck out to me more than anything else was verse 8 which says,

"Open your mouth for the dumb, for the rights of all who are left desolate."

In America where free speech and independence are esteemed so highly, it can be easy to assume that people in hard situations are there because they are lazy and don't work hard enough to change their situation. I think, rather, that it is because many of these people (whether the poor, people discriminated by their skin, the reserved person in your small group who people ignore, etc) have been denied a voice. They speak and even shout, but no one listens. To those of us who do have privilege, who do have the luxury of attention and respect, we must speak for those who are not listened to... People in our own country, people in others.... "all who are left desolate."

This verse seems like a good life mission statement, or at least something I'd like to keep at my core.

Sometimes I give advice...

2006-10-31T01:25:00.000-08:00

... that I should listen to myself.

There's no reason to hurry. There's no reason to hurry.

Often I can be a man of extremes. I'm learning to allow the pendulum to swing back before I act on a plan not fully thought-through or digested. I'm talking about alot of things right now.

I'm starting to slip behind in work.... I suppose I could have done more this weekend, but I hardly consider my weekend a waste. I knew that accepting the RHMC position on top of New Horizons and UI would mean sacrificing some of the things I love. I counted the cost as best I could and jumped in head first, and have been loving it. I suppose I was a little more optimistic that I'd have more time for making new friends. I think that old friends need to come first though, and I'll make new ones when the time presents itself. If the time presents itself.

Getting stressed out is such a silly thing sometimes. I wonder how many people in this world would trade their problems for my "problems" of having too many friends to balance well, and too much homework to do at a "premier Christian university". I feel that I don't appreciate this opportunity near as much as I should. This morning I was telling my roommate how I didn't know if I could eat all my food before it went bad. What kind of dumb problem is that.... having more food than I can eat? Silliness.

Hmmm

2006-10-29T23:43:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wish life was simpler. I wonder if I really understand what I'm wishing for. Maybe a life void of uncertainty and the unknown and the unclear would be bland. Maybe I'll just stop thinking about it.

But letting go is not easy for me. In my mind, it seems irresponsible not thinking about it if my reason is I don't feel like it. What worthwhile will I ever accomplish if I always do only what I feel like doing?

Is this option worth it? What about it? Is this even an option?

Sometimes I want it to be over and done with. But if it were, would I be able to handle it? It's all about the process, they say. Who gives they authority, anyway? Do they really know? Seems like many people around the world buck the system and get along fine, if not better.

It's funny to me that I have to be so vague on my own "blog". I guess it's not true that this is just for myself.

If only there were language for these things.

Dear Mr. President

2006-10-26T21:58:00.000-07:00

I just wrote an email to my school's president. It was exciting to me so I thought I'd post it, especially since I was intending to write about Gospel Saturdays anyway on here... I'm dreadfully excited. Pray with me that God will bring the right people. I do think this will take a long time.... I also think that we shouldn't be afraid of that. We are often willing to work our fingers to the bone to get good grades, improve at basketball or ballet, and even video games (yuck). I wonder sometimes what my faith and commitment to Christ would be like if I devoted the same degree of energy to Christ. I think it will be some work to concentrate for two+ hours, yet isn't it worth it? Here is the letter I wrote to Dr. Eaton. Come if you can - I think it will be worth your while.

Hi Dr. Eaton,

My name is Zach. I'm going into my first round of midterms of senior year, and want to say thanks for the work you've done and the vision you've cast since I arrived three years ago.

I'm writing to invite you to an event called Gospel Saturdays, also recognizing that you are a busy man. Consider this more of a "head's up" about something we think you'd be interested in, if you happen to have a spare Saturday evening coming up.

I'm going to give you some background on the event first. Since last Winter quarter, Bob Zurinsky and I have been reading the Divine Conspiracy by Dallas Willard together. It's been a great experience reading and discussing such a great work with Bob. This last chapter was all about what it means to be a disciple of Christ. Willard talked about how it is unfortunately accepted in general Christian culture that it is possible to be a Christian without being a disciple of Christ. Willard talked about the need to apprentice ourselves to Jesus in the fullest sense of the word. Further along in the chapter, he talked about a time when he took a three-four day retreat for the sole purpose of reading the Gospels. He read them as many times as he could, and considered the time to be significantly transforming in his understanding and approach of following Jesus. To me, it sounded like the experience literally altered the trajectory of his life - something that was very appealing to me. I decided I wanted to read the Gospels straight through, and that I wanted to do it with a group of friends. At first, I considered doing all four in one day, but the realities of homework and other obligations quickly labeled that idea silly. So, we decided to stretch it out over four Saturdays, one Gospel for each Saturday. I decided to extend the invitation to my floor here on 2nd Robbins. Then, others within the residence hall found out about it and expressed interest so I decided it would be worthwhile to invite all of Robbins Hall. As I was going to bed that night though, I asked my roommate if it was silly to try and go campus-wide with this idea... I was sure there were more people who are wanting to better become Christ's disciples. Why not offer them the chance to read with us as well?

So here is the plan:

We have Demaray 150 reserved on the following Saturdays for the following Gospels:

October 28th - Matthew
November 4th - Mark
November 11th - Luke
November 18th - John

We will start at 7pm, and plan to go as long as it takes with a time at the end to share observations. I wanted to share this idea with you because I remember you talking at the beginning of this year about your vision for this campus to be biblically literate, and set upon a firm biblical foundation. I see these Gospel reading times as just that. I also know that you used to teach English, that you are a poet, and I'm assuming you enjoy dramatic readings. If you'd like to come read or listen, we'd love it if you could come, but will not think any less of you if you can't. :-)

I'm excited about this. I think there is a place for the in-depth passage study of Scripture for sure. I also believe though that there is much value in the large-picture context - an interaction with Scripture that I am not very familiar with.

Thanks again for making this university the place that it is. As excited as I am to graduate and get out into the world, I am also very sad to leave this community. It's a great place.

Make your day a counter!

Zach

Febreeze Suffocation

2006-10-26T01:39:00.000-07:00

I can't fall asleep right now.... my apartment is permeated with febreeze - melon scent. I'm getting a headache. See, Kevin, my roommate, and I decided that we still had too much room in our apartment. We decided we needed another couch, even though the two of us hardly fill the couch and three chairs we already have. You could say we are overly optimistic about our prospective hospitality opportunities and capabilites.. or something.

So, we checked Craig's List and found a nice looking "free" couch. It didn't cost us anything in monetary terms, but... they smoked, and had a cat whose hair is everywhere. People on our floor were poking their heads out their doors to ask what the horrible stench was. Needless to say, the couch spent its first few nights on the balcony while we considered our options. As of now, we've bought several cans of febreeze and deodorized the life out of it, and ourselves I'm starting to think. Soon though, we will have a nice, clean, comfy couch waiting for you and your stimulating conversation with me. :-)

I had a neat experience in the drop-in center tonight, by the way. I was sitting there with a kid who I will call Joe. When the doors opened and the youth streamed in, I noticed how sullen and heavy he seemed.... About 20 minutes later with dinner in hand I meandered over to the table he where he sat, seeing that he alone. Trying to make conversation was a lot like trying to throw magnet darts through a cement wall... like picking millions of cat hairs off a couch by hand. Usually when I hit these kinds of walls, I decide my best option is to pray, so I prayed internally, "God, show me what Joe needs right now. I'd really like to help him through this hard time." I took a swig of milk and reached down for another greasy french fry, then Joe said, "I need help finding transitional housing." It's hard for me to emphasize how much of a miracle this was to me. I almost choked on the milk not quite down my throat. You had to be there, I think, to understand just how uninterested he was in carrying on any kind of conversation, let alone allowing me into the place of vulnerability.

God listens to our prayers, folks. Joe and I had a great time looking at transitional housing options... pray that one of them will have a bed and the willingness to take him in. He'll be calling in the morning when they are open for calls.

Big, Rad Change...

2006-10-21T22:52:00.000-07:00

Suprises come sometimes. This one I certainly did not expect (though I suppose an expected surprise is a bit of an oxymoron...).

I'm a rather busy fellow right now.... but I had still more time and thought it would be worth my while to put it to good constructive use. I was seriously considering joining the staff at the Kazba, a rad youth center in Edmonds. I was also considering joining the MOR (Ministry of Reconciliation) group at NHM - both good involvements to be plenty giddy about. I just couldn't rest in saying "yes" though... every time I thought about either one, I had that uneasy discontentment that you feel when you are about to do wrong. Joining the Kazba of course isn't like stealing cookies, but that's how it felt, in a way. So, knowing that honoring this gut feeling (I like to think it's God and his Holy Spirit and his guiding way) had led to good in the past, I wrote the necessary emails letting the appropriate people know that I was turning down the opportunity to join them in their fine work. And I sighed... and went on with my life.

The next day (I obviously didn't get far with the rest of my life) I ran into a rad guy on campus named Eric. He runs the Student Ministry Coordinator program here at SPU. SMC's are the people on residence hall floors who lead Bible studies, initiate floor prayer, organize service projects, and just generally be a solid, safe person to talk to etc... I had the opportunity to be an SMC my sophomore year and though it was a difficult time, I'm real glad I did it today seeing how much it shaped me, and how God used it to prune and refine. It's funny how you can feel that you have your life together... but looking back on those times you see only how little you actually knew. That's humbling... as now I feel in one of those times again where I've got life figured out pretty well. Hmmm. Anyway, I love and support the SMC program and the work that they do in joining God in the residence halls. When Eric saw me, he gave me a hardy slap on the shoulder and said, "You've been on my radar lately, Zach. We need to talk sometime."

Turns out that there was a position open as an RHMC on the Moyer/Robbins staff, and considering applying brought none of that discontentment I experienced before. (By the way, RHMC's have the sweet sweet job of supporting the SMCs. The job basically involves all the things that I love most... getting to know people who are dedicated to drawing closer to Jesus, one-on-ones, lots of prayer, reflection, conversation, not to mention all of the fun. There is much more to it, but that's the general gist) Could this be, God, why you nudged me away from the Kazba and MOR and NHM? I'm learning the value of seeking the counsel of others... lots of others. I talked to those whose opinions I especially respect, found peace and blessings all around, and decided that since I did not feel that squirmy uneasiness so familiar just the last week that I would proceed with the application. I filled it out, turned it in, and waited to be contacted for an interview. I felt it important not to become prematurely invested, to hold this opportunity in an open hand, as I wasn't even sure this was the "yes" God was thinking of when he said "no". The interview happened last Wednesday morning, which was awkward cause I can't stand interviews... All my answers always feel so cliche and I always feel like I'm in trouble somehow. I'm definitely projecting that onto my interviewers, as they are two great guys who I respect very much.

I thought it was interesting to find myself back at this place of RHMC-consideration again. See, at the end of my sophomore year, I had a completed RHMC application in my hand ready to turn in... and yet, I felt that forementioned discontentment strongly. I didn't recognize the problem those days, but looking back and healing since I see how much of an insecure place I was in in wanting to apply. Though I would never admit it, and perhaps even did not see it myself, I was applying because I felt that I needed some sort of ministry position to retain an identity. It was very sad, I see now. I praise God that he is in the business of healing and restoration and redemption... God has brought me a long ways and done much healing in my life since that time. I also found the pros/cons list I'd made in trying to decide whether to turn in that application way back then sophomore year. I had to crigne reading it... on a whole page of pros, I could only say now that two of them were actually valid reasons.... all the rest were lame attempts at convincing myself that I should actually go against everything in me that was telling me "no". For the record, looking at that list I also thought every one of my "cons" was good and wise. I'm not sure why it's so hard to listen to that which we know is right sometimes... Actually, I think it all comes down to our willingness or lack thereof to confront the broken places in our lives and be honest with ourselves. All this to say, there was a part of me that had always wanted to do this... a part of me that was good and true. But God knew that becoming an RHMC during junior year was not healthy, nor wise.

To wrap up this sweet story shortly, I was accepted on Thursday! I had a good time today with my fellow RHMC in the Moyer/Robbins staff, Celessa, and came away super pumped and excited for the year. She's great and will be a pleasure to work with for sure, not to mention this staff sounds great (some of them I know already and can confirm their fabulousness). I'm way more excited than I thought I would be (it's not that this felt like a drag by any means... the goodness has simply exceded all expectations!). I realize that I'm still in the honeymoon period at this point, but I only see reason to be excited.

It's funny how we are so sure we know what is best for us. It's rad how God is involved in our lives, and how this trustworthy God not only knows us and our needs but how he also guides in our lives. Had I ignored God and gone to Brazil two summers ago, I would have missed out on an incredible much-needed time with the family I love so much. Had I applied for RHMC for junior year, I might have missed out on my greatest decision so far - joining the amazing work at New Horizons, and I would also have been a serious detriment to my staff operating from the broken place I was in. Had I joined the Kazba and MOR last week, I would miss out on all the great things God has in store for my involvement with this Moyer/Robbins staff.

As always, I value your prayer so much as I set out on this new phase of life. Prayer is indispensable as it is, but I especially want to grow and be pruned and refined in this new place of ministry and opportunity. Pray for my partership with Celessa too, for wisdom for us to support our staff in wonderful, relevent, and God-glorifying ways, and that God will help me to let go of my fears.

Zach Wonders - 2

2006-10-15T15:13:00.000-07:00

and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

Matthew 10:38

Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it.

Luke 9:23-24

For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.

Mark 10:45

"If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple.

Luke 14:26

"I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. 15 just as the Father knows me and I know the Father—and I lay down my life for the sheep. 17 The reason my Father loves me is that I lay down my life—only to take it up again.

John 10:11, 15, 17

Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

John 15:13

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

Galatians 2:20

This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.

1 John 3:16

This week, october fourteen through october twenty, two thousand six, Zach wonders...

...what, friends, does it really mean to pick up our cross daily and follow Jesus, to lose, give, hate, and to lay down our life, and to no longer live?

I ask because this idea seems crucial. I ask because I’m not sure anymore that it’s ok to think we know. I think, rather, we must certainly know. But I don’t know. Maybe you do not either.

So let's think together... what do these verses mean?

Zach Wonders - 1 - Response

2006-10-14T00:44:00.000-07:00

Last week I posted the following here, on myspace, and in the hall of my residence hall:

this week, october seven through october thirteen two thousand six, Zach wonders...

... what adjective best describes the person who made the most impact on you?

Here is the collective response:

lovely
gracious
caring
warm
strong
distinct
confident
accepting
einflussreichsten (I'm told it means "most influential")
amazing
crazy - in the good way
peaceful
loving
tenacious
godly
respectful
supportive
consistent
believing
authentic
new
thoughtful
inspiring
deep
giving
understanding
honest
encouraging
free spirited
genuine
wise
Christ-centered
real
patient
faithful
selfless
sincere
empathetic

I had a theory that the answers would describe Jesus. What do you think?

Zach Wonders - 1

2006-10-07T21:46:00.000-07:00

this week, october seven through october thirteen two thousand six, Zach wonders...

... what adjective best describes the person who made the most impact on you?

It's Been Awhile

2006-10-03T11:36:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, you underestimate what's coming. I didn't anticipate being this long in writing again. Seems like there's so much to write about... and here I am about to write about none of that, though I really have time to write nothing at all. The following is a manifestation of bad time management. Is it though? Anyway...

I'm wondering why I bother going to chapel, or church, or special lectures by "special" people if I'm not prepared to make changes in my life. Where is the benefit in understanding alone? Jesus said that the dude who not only hears Jesus' words but also puts them into action is the wise man who built his house on the rock. I've heard the words.... I suppose I've found the rock to build on. But I'm just staring at it - silly me - I suppose every now and then I throw a piece of scrap wood on the foundation. Why do I sometimes respond to a sermon about the unexplainable love of Christ as I would to the white wall here in my living room? Why do I bother to read Christian books (or my blue Bible) if my heart and myself has no intention of allowing transformation to occur? Why do I fear building when all Christ brings is life and hope and redemption and what is right and good? My mind tells me there is nothing to fear in obedience. Nothing to fear in obedience. There is nothing to lose in obedience. Nothing of real value anyway. I'm learning that my faith is small, and that I have trouble trusting.... anyone, not just God.

I do myself a disservice when I don't give myself an opportunity to reflect, respond, and take action with what God is teaching me through other people. I also rob those around me who could experience the love of God through me when I deny and run from God's pruning and refining and molding.... I am selfish. And desperately in need of God... not that I wasn't before, but when you don't trust someone, it's hard to acknowledge that they have anything of value to offer you... no matter how much you are convinced they do.

Ever wading through mud... and why why why with the freedom that (I know) is found in Christ? God, you have proven yourself faithful and trustworthy so many times. I can think of three times in particular. I've heard stories of many friends, even yesterday!, of your close presence and eternal faithfulness. I read about thousands more in the Bible. God, whatever it is in my that keeps this truth from penetrating to the deep places of who I am.... the places that determine how I live my life and make my decisions and speak my words and take my feet.... be in that God and take it away.

And as for the rest of you... please pray for me. You do not pray in vain to this God who listens... this much I know.

Free iPod Nano for Zach

2006-09-13T09:35:00.000-07:00

Boogie boogie.

Yesterday afternoon I got online to find the closest Key Bank branch for a fellow employee. I saw an add while perusing the website that said, "Key Bank Free Checking. Free iPod Nano." I've been interested in opening another account anyway for reasons of my own and checked it out. The small print is limited to either using their direct deposit feature, or signing up for a credit card. I signed up. My iPod nano is on it's way. Boogie Boogie.

I always knew that if I held out long enough I could get one of them puppies for free. Here is the link if you are interested in this groovy deal. Act fast though. Offer ends September 16.

https://www.key.com/html/LP-natnano.html

Step It Up

2006-09-12T21:29:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday at Northlake, Pastor Jeff shared with us a quote by Markus Barth explaining the power of the Greek word spoudazo (transliterated) that the NIV translates as "make every effort" in Ephesians 4:3. I was so impressed that I knew when I got ahold of it, I'd have to share it with whoever you are reading this. So here I am, and I hope you are here too as this post is worthwhile, if none others. Here is the quote:

Markus Barth: "It is hardly possible to render exactly the urgency contained in the underlying Greek verb. Not only haste and passion, but a full effort of the whole man is meant, involving his will, sentiment, reason, physical strength, and total attitude. The imperative mood of the participle found in the Greek text excludes passivity, quietism, [or] a wait-and-see attitude...Yours is the initiative! Do it now! Mean it! You are to do it! I mean it!-Such are the overtones in verse 3." ~ Markus Barth, Ephesians, A New Translation with Introduction and Commentary, 2 vols. in The Anchor Bible (Garden City: Doubleday, 1974), 2: 428.

I found it hard to twiddle my thumbs after Barth's commentary.

Besides Ephesians 4:3, this same word is also used in
- Galations 2:10
- 2 Timothy 2:15
- Hebrews 4:11
- 2 Peter 1:10
- 2 Peter 3:14

Don't let yourself remain unchanged.

The word was also used in 1 Thessalonians 2:17, Titus 3:12, 2 Peter 1:15, and 2 Timothy 4:9 and 4:21. I didn't include them above as they were less instructive and more personal to the recipient of Paul's particular letter. Each of them, however, testify to the extreme (and I am compelled to use that word in its fullest definition if I'm going to be consistent with Barth's analysis of the Greek) love Paul felt for his brothers and sisters in Christ. This same love that God put into Paul through the transformation of his life is the same love available to us and potentially extended through us to this world.... incredible to me. Settling for less is silliness.

This post was written with a Bolthouse Farms Berry Boost Fruit Smoothie. It's taste is beautiful.

Today Alicia at Work Learned...

2006-09-12T10:39:00.000-07:00

... that her capacity to love other people is much greater than she imagined it could be.

Silly Questions

2006-09-11T17:39:00.000-07:00

At one point during a lazy afternoon on the fore-mentioned camping trip, I was sitting around the fire with a Korean student named Scott (not his real name… his "English" name… sort of like how Spanish teachers here might give their students "Spanish" names like Jose and Lola). He said, "Can I ask you a silly question?" I said yes. He assured me his question was silly. I promised to give a silly answer and he laughed and said:

"When I am downtown, I see many people. Many kinds of people. But when I go to nice places, why do I see only white people? Do you have a rule?"

You've Heard This Before

2006-09-10T22:31:00.000-07:00

I want to talk about why that last phrase in the first paragraph of the previous entry (catch that?), "what I want to do with my life", is stupid. I was talking to a woman the other day that is in her 30's. She has a rad job that she loves, is married with kids, seems rather well-adjusted, happy, and healthy, and is also completing her master's degree. In other words, she's hardly the type who wilts away in front of the television. Somewhere in our conversation she began asking about my post-graduation plans. When I responded that I'm still in the process of thinking and praying about the next steps for next June, she said, "Well, don't stress about it too much, Zach.* I still don't know what I want to do with my life." And I was stricken with dumbness… I stood there, silently, not knowing what to say (the look on her face suggested an assumption that my hush was evidence of an end-all word of great comfort and assurance on her part to a pitiful, wandering college student in need of a rope – funny to me). I couldn't understand how she didn't see her kids, her work, her church, her education as "my life". I wondered if waiting to get "there", whatever "there" is and however "there" is different from her current situation, bred a good portion of discontentment. Or, I wondered if I, at least, experience unsatisfaction in assuming "life" is yet to arrive. I've never met anyone, the wise elderly included, who has felt "arrived". I doubt that any do this side of death.

So I considered. Yes, I have not been content. I have approached much of this summer as hoops to jump through, rather than life to engage. But hoops don't build character, make men, or draw one closer to God.

So I thought some and now think: I do myself a disservice in shooting too specifically for life ahead. Though I certainly see a need to live life intentionally, to make plans, I also see lots of wisdom in holding these plans loosely, in an open hand. The other option is disappointment and a trail inferior to the direction God may try to lure you. After all, in my experience, when I make plans, they rarely pan out how I anticipate. And, even when I reach that ideal situation, it's rarely the "all I'd ever hoped for" I thought was coming. I actually don't control near as much of my life as I tell myself I do. "My life", in the precise, definite conditions I tend to envision, seems increasingly slippery and abstract. Now is "my life". I am doing "my life" as I type these words, and the rest of this very day. And so are you, as you read these words and continue with your day. Nothing original here - this admonition to be present in the moment; this paragraph is rather cliché. Yet I'm also learning that lots of clichés ring hollow until they are experienced. I also didn't want to downplay the significance of the realization just because it is cliche.
So live your life today, dang it. Life is here and good for living. By the time tomorrow rolls around, it's going to be today anyway.

What primarily keeps me from living are my fears and my pride.

*I'm beginning to think I project lots of "stress" in these "future" conversations… every time I'm talking about this coming June, folks tell me not to stress. Perhaps I'll try to be a little more happy-go-lucky with a cheesy smile and an overly optimistic "Nope, not a clue!"

Today the Barista at the Spotted Cow learned....

2006-09-09T23:05:00.000-07:00

... more about framing (she is learning to cut hair at some hair cutting school).

I decided I'm going to start asking people "What is one thing you learned today?" more often, and posting the answers here, cause I enjoy nerdy things like that.

Reconsidering Japan

2006-09-09T12:44:00.000-07:00

Looking over my last few entries, I'm seeing that from22on has recently been less a journal of what's been happening, and more a Zachified Daily Bread. Do you remember those? I associate DBs with coffee tables, church bathrooms, and old women (since I always saw DB corners peaking from the inside well-worn covers of old-woman Bibles at church as a kid). Anyway, seeing as I'm not Oswald Chambers and that I also want to keep a record of my decision making process, I'm reverting back to talking about "the future" and "what I want to do with my life" for a time. At least for this post.

In July I wrote about some options I was considering for after graduation. I mentioned the JET Program, which is an organization in Japan that contracts English teachers for Japanese high schools. Back in July, I'd decided "no" because of how unfulfilling teaching English seemed, and because I felt I was only going for the money. I've experienced a change of heart, though I'm still leaning away from Japan, the JET Program, and teaching English.

A few weekends ago I took a bunch of ACE students camping with me.

Two of our students, who de-caravanned to come on their own time, still had not reached Baker Lake by 10:30pm, two hours after ETA. I embarked off to cell phone range with one of my Japanese-student cell-phone-wielding buds to lend our lost learners a lift, literal or lingual. We passed the time with groovy conversations on those dark mountain roads. At one point, he mentioned that he's a Buddhist priest in Japan, and I jumped all over that. At another point, he mentioned that only 10% of Japanese folks adhere to any kind of religion. I'd heard the week before that 80% of Japan claims no religion. Wikipedia says 84% profess to be Shinto Buddhists, but that "religion in Japan tends to be syncretic in nature, and this results in a variety of practices such as parents and children celebrating Shinto rituals, students praying before exams, couples holding a wedding at a Christian church and funerals being held at Buddhist temples". Whatever the case, there are an awful lot of people without "god", needing God.

Suddenly, I discovered motivation to go. These people were made for Jesus, and they gotta know that. Suddenly English teaching seemed no longer void of meaning. What a great service to offer, and a splendid way to establish relationships. And… the prospect of eliminating a huge chunk of debt is awfully appealing. What a nasty monkey on my back debt is.

The drawbacks? Leaving New Horizons, the dear friends I have here, my brother… being alone way out in Japan. The cool thing is that even though Japan is far away, God is already there… and He's all I actually need.

Pray with me.

I Believe, Therefore There Is

2006-09-08T09:05:00.000-07:00

If you are interested in thought-provoking online discussion, check out TheTheologiansCafe where a guy named Dan, who has a gift of drawing people into conversation, posts on all sorts of fine topics. It's potentially intelligent conversation, but generally it seems like the intelligence is one-sided and that most (but certainly not all) of the responses are worth pitching.

In this morning's subscription, there was a post about exorcism. Dan wrote:

I was watching a special on the History Channel the other day about exorcism and demonic possession. Some people believe that people can be possessed by a demon.

Do you believe people can be possessed by a demon?

Among the 178 comments (as of the time I'm writing this), one person wrote: "I don't believe in absolute good or evil, so demons don't exist, so no."

I can't imagine how frustrating life must be for this person... basing their life on the rickety foundation that reality and truth is contingent on their beliefs. It's like driving your car across a bridge of toilet paper rolls. And yet, I'm guilty of the same subjective mentality at times. The difference is that my mistake is laden with church lingo and "Christian" overtones. I'm not sure why it can be so easy to stray from truth and reality that the Bible lays out when in Christian community, but I've noticed it in my own life. All this to say, this kid's response made me sad, but also convicted and empty. I read 2 Corinthians yesterday, and identified especially with 7:10-11, which talks about how godly sorrow spurs us toward earnest repentence. For me, the face of this repentence is to check the belief system I operate on. Much of it is good, but much of it is also assumes and hopes for realities just because the belief is catchy, or trendy. Off to burn my toilet paper bridge...

I know that Dan, the writer, likes to know where hits are coming from too. Good chance he'll follow the link back here. Hi Dan.

Confucius Would Have Say

2006-08-27T00:25:00.000-07:00

I lost my watch on Friday. Losing a watch is like getting a haircut. I never realized how much I looked at my watch till I kept digging for it in my pocket... I never realize how much I move the hair out of my eyes till it's not there anymore (I'm speaking of a long time ago).

I also realized how silly I am with my watch when driving. One of my values is punctuality. In my mind, being late is just plain rude (though there's always grace). But that's not the point of this post, and I won't elaborate. After my watch tumbled from my pocket somewhere downtown, I realized how often I look at my watch when I'm driving. I wondered why I do this. I wondered if knowing the time during my commute accomplishes anything. I decided no: this habit is silly and unproductive. Do worried glances to my watch in any way influence when I arrive at church, the coffee shop, or the doctor's office? Could it be that in all these years, looking at my watch in the car only served to create stress? Somehow I felt that knowing the time mattered, but realistically, once I get going, I can only go and arrive when I do, after all. Getting frustrated over the clock while driving is as useless a baker throwing a tantrum when his 25-minute muffins are still gooey after 7. If I have 15 miles to go, I have 15 full miles to go, and I can only go the 15 miles as I can. I may as well enjoy the ride, the music, the company, the opportunity to pray, etc in the meantime. If I have to bake a cake, it's gonna keep baking till it's baked, and there's nothing I can do. I may as well do the dishes or read a book in the meantime.

To help remember this lesson, I've created a profound-sounding Confucius-like proverb: "No matter how long the journey, the muffins must bake completely." ***

Here's what's changing for me: I will always continue to do my utmost to leave on time, but if I fail, the stress will stop when I get in the car. The traffic lights, the traffic, the incompetent drivers are beyond my control. I can't make them go away, so what's the benefit in getting worked up? I'm gonna sing, not seethe. I'm gonna chat, not snap. I'll make an effort to leave on time, then, late or punctual, keep moving in a joyful, persevering sort of way knowing that eventually, in seeing the drive through, I'll arrive, late or punctual. And if I'm late, there's always grace. :-)

It's these little lessons that shape us, I feel.

This post was written with two pieces of salami in my mouth... I chewed them slowly, for the taste was pleasant.

*** What matters here is not that the proverb has no apparent meaning, but that it helps remember our story's moral.

Prayer Part 1 - Duh

2006-08-26T21:23:00.000-07:00

Foolish, frustrating, funny are those brainless moments we spend frantically looking for the hat on our head, or the key in our pocket, the pen in our hand, or the glasses on our nose. I'm sure you can relate with your own experiences of overlooking the obvious in anxious desperation. Now laugh, cry, or shake your head with a smirk accordingly.

Only after pause, a breath, a retreat to calm, or perhaps a helpful word from a friend do we notice the socks we seek have been on our feet the whole while. Raging emotions blind... sometimes even "good" ones, such as our desperation to come close to God, I've been finding.

In my prayers, I also have overlooked the obvious. Though I dubbed my recent anxious desperation as "holy zeal", frantic earnestness and persistent demanding for God to draw near proved fruitless this morning. I became confused. But I waited, more to think of a new strategy than to hear God though.

If a stranger, or even a friend for that matter, looked me in the eye and demanded, "Tell me how you hear God speak," I imagine my mouth would hang open long enough for a sizeable pool of drool to collect on the sidewalk below before I'd find words to explain. Yet, in a mysterious and beyond-my-limited-comprehension kind of way, and rarely in the same way, it seems, God does indeed interact with us... sometimes with a clarity that also brings the sidewalk drool pool.

This morning as I waited in my annoyance.... Stop running, Zach. Stop dodging your responsibility. I thought I was confused before. Then, as if I'd just finished my turn in the Matrix helicopter training chair, I suddenly understood the that this was God and what he meant.

See, I prayed "Lord, I want to be closer to you."
I prayed "I want to know you, Father."
I prayed "I want my life to revolve around you."

After my instantaneous Neo moment though, I understood God saying, "Hey buddy... that's rad! Good to know! I'm delighted you want to know me more, that you want your life to revolve around me, because I'd love also to be in a better relationship with you as well. But, Zach, I'm already doing all I can. I've been speaking to you all day... every day. You gotta work with me, bud. You gotta listen back. I've been showing you myself everywhere you go. You gotta open your eyes. I've been offering my guidance, but you've turned your ears. The ball is actually in your court, bud, and has been this whole time. Can you tell me a time when I have withdrawn? When have I withheld my faithfulness? When have I left? Take ownership of our relationship, Zach. These prayers to me loaded with connotations of abandonment and loneliness... these prayers to ME, oh they hurt. Zach.. I love you, and for that, I will not, I cannot, force myself on you. I chose you. You must also choose me. And not just with your words, lovely as they may be. We don't have pudding up here in heaven... I've got much better treats on my banqueting table waiting for the day we can laugh over them together, but as my precious children say in the English speaking world, 'The proof is in the pudding.' Do you want to be closer to me? Then come. Do you want to know me more? Then spend time with me. Do you want your life to revolve around me? Then get out the hoe and start weeding... makes the changes to your life you know I've been asking you to make. If I am important... make me important. Remember bud, I'm always here... I always will be. And come quick, bud. I love you... I'm in a hurry to be with you."

In my situation this morning, those prayers were an absolute copout. I prayed them sincerely to be sure. But then I understand what I was indirectly saying in between the lines of these prayers: "Phew, I've prayed the prayer, my work is done. Now I've just got to wait. I'll get on with my life, and when God shows up then... Great, stupendous... man, that will be a great day when God listens to and answers my prayer and I have a better relationship with him." These prayers actually just seek to shift the burdens of the relationship effort, allowing me to feel good that I'm still "pursuing God", yet with the added benefit that the next move is God's - not my work. Somehow I thought praying these prayers gave me freedom to sit, chill, twiddle my "saintly" thumbs while God scrambles to catch up with my oober pious tendencies.

I should note that I don't believe all prayers of desperation are by any means wrong, and I'm not trying to make an all-encompassing generalization with this post. In fact, one of the most profound experiences of my life birthed from a place of nothingness and desperation a few weeks ago. I'm just saying that this morning I found myself at a place praying for things that were my own responsibility. I'm wondering how often I do this... when I actually pray for God to act just because I don't want to do the task myself... to avoid what is uncomfortable, or what I'm scared of, or what I'm lazy to do.

I'm also saying... that God is alive, that he speaks all the time, and it would do me good to listen.

This post was written with some incredible passion fruit tea at a trendy little place near my Everett house called the Spotted Cow.

Fine, I Accept

2006-08-25T18:03:00.000-07:00

I'm at a hip joint in Ballard right now called Verite Coffee. I'll bring you here someday. Ask, and you will receive. I also need to confess, cause it will feel so good to get off my chest, that I've left my coffee routine to pursue my newfound eclectic flavors of loose-leaf tea fetish. Short term or long, I'm enjoying the affair while it lasts.

Over these last few months, I've been finding how much I struggle to receive any kind of gift. People buying my coffee, giving a present, lunch, love.... so terribly difficult for me. I've recognized it for the petty habit that it is, and have been making an intentional effort to improve. For instance, yesterday, I accepted delicious leftovers from someone. Oh, and I also let someone buy me coffee... and I expressed my heartfelt gratitude in grateful thanking ways (I hope, at least).

I decided it was time to start accepting because that's the way I want to be treated when I offer someone a gift. It feels crappy to offer someone some help, or food, or to buy coffee, or love... and for them to decline and deny and reject. I figure that if it feels crappy when people don't let me be generous, it probably feels crappy when I do the same, no matter how good or "noble" my intentions may be. In fact, I appreciate when people accept my gifts so much that I suppose I even see my accepting of gifts as a gift in itself.

Still annoying though are those who buy ALL the time.... who never accept the gift of letting someone else buy from time to time.

A Piping Spurring

2006-08-24T12:28:00.000-07:00

All that has been happening in my life in the last two weeks, and here I am quoting a book. The rest... I'm still working through.

I just finished a book by John Piper called Don't Waste Your Life. Though redundant in some places, this book is generally a quality kick in the pants to get your rear in gear, and I recommend it to you. Piper does a great job of casting light on the meaningless crap we oddly orient our lives around at times, calling us on our emptiness for what it is. Here are some of the bits that I particularly resonated with:

This is a quote by David Wells that John Piper includes about the weightlessness of God in the church today:

"It is one of the defining marks of Our Time that God is now weightless. I do not mean by this that he is ethereal but rather that he has become unimportant. He rests upon the world so inconsequentially as not to be noticeable. He has lost his saliency for human life. Those who assure the pollsters of their belief in God's existence may nonetheless consider him less interesting than television, his commands less authoritative than their appetites for affluence and influence, his judgement no more awe-inspiring than the evening news, and his truth less compelling than the advertisers' sweet fog of flattery and lies. That is weightlessness. It is a condition we have assigned him after having nudged him out to the periphery of our secularized life... Weightlessness tells us nothing about God but everything about ourselves, about our condition, about our psychological disposition to exclude God out of our reality." (121)

In Knowledge of the Holy, A.W. Tozer says that our view of God is the single most important thing in life. Our view of God shapes everything about how we live our life, the decisions we make, our prayers... everything. Read the first couple chapters of Tozer's book, I dare you. Though my view of God was "important" to me after reading Tozer's thoughts, I didn't realize how weightless my view of God was until reading Wells quotes.... how I allow such stupid things to sway me in use of my time, my concerns, worries, etc.

This next one is from John Piper:

"Not everyone should be a missionary or a pastor. There is to be a partnership between goers and senders. Concerning pastors in the church Paul says, "You shall not muzzle an ox when it treads out the grain" (1 Timothy 5:18), meaning: pay your pastor. But that implies that some folks must be earning grain to put under the poor ox's nose. This is also the pattern for missionaries in the New Testament. "Do your best to speed Zenas the lawyer and Apollos on their way; see that they lack nothing" (Titus 3:13). In other words, not everybody should go to minister with Paul; some should stay behind, work, and supply the ones who go." (134)

Growing up on the mission field myself, and feeling more and more that God is drawing me across oceans again in the coming years, I'm very aware, and very annoyed, with the prospect of raising support. Maybe it's the fear of being boxed as "nuissance" with every one else for asks for money... telemarketers, televangelists, door-to-door salesman, the homeless community... but I squirm with the idea of asking friends and family to offer their financial assistance. Thus, I appreciated this quote. It reminded me that God has created us all complete with different personalities, gifts, joys, and passions. This idea of the "body of Christ" is what I forget. I forget that God has actually created people different from me, with a love for business, who absolutely delight in their opportunity to make money and be generous with it. Perhaps my reluctance to ask others for help is pride in not wanting to be "needy" (though I am so), perhaps it's a feeling that asking people replaces faith (God knows my needs... why should I ask others?), or perhaps it's that receiving from people closes the door on experiencing God in a cool way (which is silly, because God uses all the time in cool ways, even financially)... Whatever the case, at least Piper thinks it's perfectly acceptable, and necessary, for the church staying back to support those who go. I shall munch on this.

The following is a quote by B.B. Warfield, a teacher at Princeton Seminary who died in 1921 about "the niggling questions about ministry to the poor by comparing it to Christ's ministry to us." This made me laugh, because some of the excuses we make up to avoid obedience are indeed hilarious/pathetic when we consider the sacrifice Christ has made for us.

Now dear Christians, some of you pray night and day to be branches of the true Vine; you pray to be made all over in the image of Christ. If so, you must be like him in giving... "though he was rich, yet for our sakes he became poor"... Objection 1. "My money is my own." Answer: Christ might have said, "My blood is my own, my life is my own" ... then where should we have been? Objection 2. "The poor are undeserving." Answer: Christ might have said, "They are wicked rebels... shall I lay down my life for these? I will give to the good angels." But no, he left the ninety-nine, and came after the lost. He gave his blood for the undeserving. Objection 3. "The poor may abuse it." Answer: Christ might have said the same; yea, with far greater truthy. Christ knew that thousands would trample his blood under their feet; that most would despise it; that many would make it an excuse for sinning more; yet he gave his own blood. Oh, my dear Christians! If you would be like Christ, give much, give often, give freely, to the vile and poor, the thankless and the undeserving. Christ is glorious and happy and so will you be. It is not your money I want, but your happiness. Remember his own word, "it is more blessed to give than to receive." (166)

Congratulate yourself if you made it to the end. I hope this stuff stuck with you like peanut butter in your throat like it did with me.

Gotta Go

2006-08-05T10:33:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I have grand, sweeping ideas... Ideas to buck the cultural norms and society's expecatations of me... to just go and start living the life I want to live RIGHT NOW instead of waiting for all the common criteria to align before ministry is deemed acceptable... financial stability, long-term ministry experience, more degrees, "for the kids to grow up" (though I don't expect to be worrying about this any time soon). But then I doubt, and wonder, well, is it best to wait until I have my student loans paid off? Should I wait till I'm older... I imagine by the time I have a real beard I may be old enough to go? There is pressure to take care of this and that and that and this before I do anything substantial. Yet, I also know that Jesus, when he called his disciples, said "Follow me", and immediately they did. Or how about this, from Luke 9:

57As they were walking along the road, a man said to him, "I will follow you wherever you go." 58Jesus replied, "Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head." 59He said to another man, "Follow me." But the man replied, "Lord, first let me go and bury my father." 60Jesus said to him, "Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God." 61Still another said, "I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say good bye to my family." 62Jesus replied, "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God."

In my discouragement, I take great encouragement when followers of Jesus who I respect challenge me to do the very thing I want to do so bad. The following affirmation is something that Dick Staub wrote a few days ago:

"The salvation of the world is at one level an evangelistic enterprise--introducing people to restored relationship with God. so they can enjoy eternity in a better place than this world..but salvation is also a practical exercise that involves EACH of us using our talents to make THIS world a better place!

What would happen if our privileged Christian kids in the US took their financial, educational and natural (ala talents) resources and invested them en masse to transforming the world instead of living the American Dream?

Could happen…but it is unlikely unless their parents are willing to invest in kids who will not gain a financial return on college costs, nor will it happen if these kids don't de-prioritize their daily lattes, consumerist practices and 401k's and take up a cross.

I love Bob Buford's concept expressed in "Second Half" in which he describes his personal transformation from seeking a life of success and then in his early 40's trading it in for a life of significance,. But too often the next generation sees Bob's pattern as theirs to imitate: spend 40 years becoming financially set…then do something significant with what is left of your life.

We'll never change the world until we see significance as the definition of success and seek significance first. Seeking a meaningful life from the get go requires making God central and when the disciples did that—everything changed."

You can read more of Dick Staub at www.dickstaub.com
I also encourage you to check out his website www.thekindlings.com

O da pra da way ho!

2006-08-04T23:19:00.000-07:00

O da pra da way ho!

A Ping-Pong Ball or Two

2006-07-31T20:40:00.000-07:00

People have been calling me an external processor lately. Three times this week. It seemed noteworthy.

Do you remember those ping-pong ball lottery commercials that used to be on TV? The ones where 100 balls are flying around in that bizarre plastic wind contraption.... where the host pushes a button to suck up a ball, turns the ball for the audience, then goes for the next ball till the camera fades into the winning numbers? That's how my mind works. Whenever there's alot going on through my head, I tear off a piece of notebook paper and spew out every thought that comes to mind regardless of it's relevance to the sentences before. Once there's no more thought-balls flying around in my head, once my mind is clear and still, I read the paper in front of me and breathe and say, "Aha... yes, this is my frustration. Now I understand." Or, another example: I'll give a confident answer to a question, but in my explanation realize that I'm not actually supporting my initial answer at all and that I actually believe something quite contrary. For those of you who know me best.... these are the times when I go on and on and on... When I take forever like that, it's not cause your head is thick and a task to bring clarity to. I think it's more than I'm working to understand what I think, let alone what I'm trying to say. Thanks for sticking with me.

The last couple weeks I've been tutoring a Korean girl who is here chaperoning for seven little tykes. She has some downtime while the runts are in class, and thought some English lessons would be a good use of time. As if her trip to America couldn't get any better, I became her tutor. One of my favorite assignments to give my students is to have them write about a life dream. It doesn't have to be realistic either. Maybe your dream is to fly. Maybe your dream is to have thirty kids, afford them, and retain your sanity. Maybe your dream is to get the perfect haircut, then possess the power to make your hair stop growing till you feel like a different style. Maybe your dream is to spend a month or more in 100 countries (or maybe that was my dream at one point). Anyway, I gave this assignment to my student. Her dream is to start an orphanage for the thousands of orphaned children in Korea. Seeing as her dream is pretty close to my background, and since I share many of those same values, we had a great conversation about this.

At one point, I really got going quite excitedly and passionately. I found myself sharing a few things in particular made me think, "Sheesh... You should really listen to this yourself, especially as you are trying to figure out your direction in this coming year." Things like... I believe that God creates us with unique desires... that we can't explain why, even when we are exposed to the same issues, some of us are drawn to the AIDS crisis, while others find their ministry in the business world, while others' hearts break for children whose mothers are prostitutes in grimy slums (I watched Born Into Brothels last night), while others help the uncreative find truth in art and stories, while others spend their life aiding refugees, while others are dedicated to seeing the church find unity (I know you'll read eventually, Jo), while others, like myself, are unexplainably pulled to the homeless. I believe that working in one area is no more noble or righteous than working in another, but that God has created us with eyes especially opened for certain people and places, and that we must be true and responsible to that which doth beckon.

I saw a statistic the other day that said that the average American (whatever that is) spends an average of 24 weeks of their lives sitting at red lights. Sick. I wonder how much time we spend tying our shoes. Or, more relevant to this post, how about our careers? If we spent thirty years, working fifty weeks a year, forty hours a week, we have worked sixty thousand hours by the time we settle into our retirement adult diapers. I sincerely believe that God has planted this compassion for the homeless within me for a reason, even if for a season. I don't want to spend sixty thousand hours of my life sitting at a desk in the corporate world doing something I care nothing for having to relegate the homeless to my spare time. I want my work with the homeless to be the primary use of my time.... sixty thousand hours are at stake... How can I not feel compelled to push for that which is worthwhile even if it means having to sacrifice a better salary?

In short, I haven't been able to make much sense of why God has sewed in this homelessness propensity, but I know that it's there. Thus, I will pursue. I feel that it would be wrong not to act on this... this eerie desire to see the homeless homed, this desire for the rejected to experience hope, love, and life... Regular interaction and relationship with the homeless community (in Seattle, or abroad) must remain a part of my life until I feel God inviting me to join him elsewhere from here on out. I will pursue.

One more ping-pong ball: I've been thinking lately that perhaps it's not necessarily the homeless that God leads me to, but that my place is perhaps more in the extremes of life in general... and that homelessness is just the face of that calling of these last few years. I recently had dinner with a couple going to Thailand soon to start a ministry to male prostitutes. I've been wondering where I might fit in.... We'll see what happens.

Holiday Proposal

2006-07-22T20:42:00.000-07:00

Zach thinks "Speak About Yourself In the Third Person Day" would be a good holiday.

Themes of Timing

2006-07-22T11:20:00.000-07:00

The best seats on airplanes all have windows. No question. For one, windows provide an opportunity to see mass amounts of this rad planet from altitudes high enough to die at. I find it's always easier to trust God after an airplane ride. Looking across gazillions of trees, acres of fields, ranges of mountains, and the big fat ocean brings healthy perspective that assures me that the God who made all this certainly has the power to be present in my petty problems and concerns. Besides offering a visual alternative to the drab insides of the plane and the same people for ten hours straight, windows are also very practical as head rests. I always sleep much better in a window seat because of this. In a window seat, you are also never disturbed by a fellow bathroom-bound passenger... free to sleep as long as you can. It is a tad uncomfortable disturbing others for your own bathroom needs, but that is easily solved as well. But that's for another time.

Twelve years ago, at the tender age of ten, my family moved to Hawaii for three months. My parents were participating in a Discipleship Training School (DTS) with Youth With A Mission (YWAM), and Alex and I had the sweet opportunity of playing (and doing some schoolwork, I suppose) in Kona for three months while they sat in class. This trip to Hawaii marked my first trip in an airplane. My dad scared Alex and I on the way to the airport telling us, in a very serious voice, that since we were low on money, Alex and I would be using special seats strapped to the wings. We laughed and punched him and said he was a goof, but really I was nervous. I don't remember where on the plane I sat from Seattle to Honolulu (though it wasn't the wing), but I distinctly remember having a window seat from Honolulu to Kona. I learned two things on this flight: 1.) All the maps I'd looked at in school were stupid and it would be a service to humanity to draw at least fifty islands on any maps I saw from then on. There were way more than seven islands in Hawaii... the islands never stopped in fact. People needed to know. With so many to go around, my explorer self made an oath to conquer and habitate my own island during our stay in Kona. Needless to say, it did not happen. 2.) Airplanes have shadows. It seems silly to be surprised by this. Of course airplanes have shadows, I know. Any amount of common sense tells you that anything blocking the sun's shine creates a shadow. And yet, for all the planes you've seen soaring overhead, how many times have you seen an airplane shadow running along the ground beside you? Watching the small island's plane shadow roll across thousands of islands and the ocean in between showed me airplane shadows did exist. I hoped to one day stand in an airplane shadow.

As I was crossing Cedar on 3rd Ave on Wednesday afternoon, there was a flash of shadow around me. I heard the airplane roaring above, previously tuned out with the rest of the city noise around me, and realized what had happened. That's crazy, I thought. I have stood in an airplane shadow. Being in the right place at the right time made my little wish come true. It was no fault or credit of my own.. it just happened.

Thursday morning I got to school to find half of one of the large trees on the SPU campus laying on the ground, victim of rot and termites. A dangerous amount of tree had fallen, and right on one of the busiest paths on campus. This could have hurt many people if it had fallen during the school year, during the day. This tree fell in the wrong place at the right time and I quickly thanked God that the tree fell when it did.

As I was taking pictures of the tree, one of my professors walked up. We were chatting a little about the tree, trying to make sense of what happened when he said, "Did you hear the news about Lyu?" Last Monday there was a horrible tragedy in the Seattle area where a young man brutally murdered a woman and her two children and the woman's sister with a knife, then set fire to the house to try to cover his crime. The woman's sister was Lyu, a girl in my Translation class last quarter. The news that this girl, who six weeks before was so full of life, always smiling, and sharing stories with me, had been stabbed multiple times and then burned took the wind out of me and made me sick. The murderer was drunk.. he claims he woke up from a black-out in the house covered in blood, not even realizing what he had done. Lyu, her sister, and her sister's children were completely innocent. It was no fault of their own either. They were just in the house that some drunk guy with a knife wandered into. Why do people have to be in the wrong place at the wrong time?

I don't understand why terrible things like this happen. I don't know what the point of this post is either. I guess I've just been wondering about circumstances' relationship with the sovereignty of God. I wonder, "Do things just happen?"

Convenience Frustration

2006-07-15T21:53:00.000-07:00

Ideally, each person makes a contribution to this world by the time they pass away. Some contributions are great, some are small, yet all are significant.

I plan on living life in such a way as to leave many contributions before I move along from this earth. Some great, some small, each significant. Among them is be to destroy the pesky automatic toilet flusher, or at least revolutionize and improve upon this hygeine technology. Those things drive me insane (not the ones on the urinals, mind you... auto-urinal flushers are fantastic). I'm one of those people who is rather germaphobic in public restrooms. I always use the sanitation covers, or, I carefully cover the seat with toilet paper if the covers are not available. Those dumb automatic flushers always suck my covers down before I can sit down though! The second I get everything arranged just right and pull away to turn around and sit down, the sensors catch the movement and the whole bowl goes flushing, pulling all my work down with it. After many sanitation covers lost, I've developed a good system now to prevent this from happening, but its too complicated and awkward to explain. Maybe after we become more comfortable with each other I will tell you...

I just want to let you all know about my intentions so that you can keep me accountable if I haven't contributed to the automatic flusher solution in some way or another after... twenty years or so.

Seeking Travel Clogs

2006-07-15T01:05:00.000-07:00

This is another post about my Tuesday night “Faith and Race” class.

After the movie we began a time of small-group discussion. At one point, one of the men in my small group was sharing about the frustration he experiences in checking the "Ethnicity" box on surveys, applications, etc. He said it really bothers him that he has to check “Hispanic” as a person with Mexican heritage. He said it does not represent who he is.

This was very interesting to me, and I realized that I similarly did not like checking “white”, though he only just then gave me words to express why. While it is true that I am indeed quite “white”, and that my new friend is indeed “hispanic”, this overarching classification does a poor job of identifying who we actually are.

Suddenly being “white” was no longer enough to me. “White” encompasses too much: the Scandinavian countries, Great Britain, all those formerly-Russian-area countries, Italy, Spain, Holland, and more… Aren’t the people living in these areas all quite different both physically and culturally? Think of the hundreds if not thousands of cultures that fall under “black” not only within Africa, but all around the world. Doesn’t it seem a little peculiar to group the distinct Japanese, Korean, Chinese, Thai, Malaysian, Indian, Filipino, Indonesian cultures together as “asian”? Geographically, it does make sense, but that is where the relation stops. Settling for “white” alone leaves me feeling void of all ethnic identity… Though I was talking about something different, in the last post I asked, “Why is it that some folks refer to themselves as Japanese-American or Kenyan-American while I would never think to introduce myself as Dutch-American?” Part of the reason is also because I have no cultural roots reaching back to my Dutch, English, and Irish blood. I don’t wear clogs, I don’t often wear green, and I’ve never seen Big Ben. I’ve always found myself jealous of those people who do have ties back to their ethnic roots and unashamedly express it. In the past I always wrote my cultural absence off as unnecessay saying things like “I’m a child of God” or even quoting Philippians 3:20 which says, “But our citizenship is in heaven.” This “fleshly” celebration of worldly cultures was so naïve to me. And yet, I now believe God cares very much about our blood/ethnicity/culture. Just think of all the stuff throughout the Bible regarding Israel (particularly the purity of Israel), the tensions between Jews and Gentiles (and how it was not required for the Gentiles to become as the Jews, ie circumcision), how Jesus affirmed Samaritans for who they were, and especially Revelations 7:9 which speaks of “a great multitude that no one could count from every nation, tribe, people, and language.” It seems that God not only sees our ethnicity and culture, but that he affirms it, and we keep it. In Thailand, there is a saying that goes, “To be Thai is to be Buddhist.” Religion and ethnicity are so closely intertwined that some people hesitate to become Christian because they feel that to become Christian means to give up their Thai culture – a great sacrifice. Christians are quick to explain that Christ in fact redeems culture rather than stifling it. To know one’s heritage and be connected to a long-standing history and culture seems to be an innate human desire. It explains to me why I always cheer for the Netherlands so much in the World Cup and Olympics. I need a culture that I haven’t found in my general “whiteness”, and the Netherlands represents more of me and my blood than anywhere else. Those are my people (as are the Irish and English, so I’ll be visiting them too)! Thus I decided I want to go live in the Netherlands for awhile… It’s definitely that Hollywoodish “discovering oneself” sort of thing. It wasn’t on my “after graduation” list before, but what does that matter? Even if I come back only changed in that I wear orange t-shirts adorned with windmills, tulips, and handsome speed-skaters, I will be satisfied knowing that I’m tied a little closer to my heritage. But I actually anticipate the experience to be a little more meaningful than a wardrobe change though.

Speaking of plans for the future.... I also had a talk with an interesting fellow tonight who spent five years in Antarctica. I can't say I wasn't uninterested.

Why I'm Not American

2006-07-15T00:25:00.000-07:00

This next post is messy, haphazard, and mostly unclear. I’m striding into new territory, and the whole dialogue is still a tad awkward. Here goes:

A little over two weeks ago, I wrote on my soon-to-be-obsolete Xanga account the following:

Before I leave, I want to go on a tangent about a phrase I wrote above that bothers me: "Japanese culture and ours". When I wrote that, what did "ours" mean to me, anyway? I think I actually meant "white", but I think it's actually rather arrogant and even racist of me to consider white culture as American culture. Isn't America a nation of immigrants? Doesn't each ethnic group contribute in its own God-given way to "American Culture"? Isn't American Culture actually a blend of cultures from Asians, Africans, Europeans, Hispanics, Arabs, etc? What then is "American Culture"? Shouldn't our cultural constructs be inclusive of the richness at our hands from other cultures? These questions of race are difficult.

Last Tuesday night I began a class called “Faith and Race”at Quest, the church I’ve been attending. We watched half of the movie “The Color of Fear”, which is a recorded small-group discussion between men of all different races about racism in America. While the movie is quite old, it remains relevant, painful, powerful, provocative, and challenging. We ran out of time to finish it, but I just ordered the movie from my school library to finish on my own. If those of you in the Seattle area wish to watch it with me, let me know. Anyway, this movie touched on the very issue I questioned above of “What is an American?”. That was encouraging to me… ha. I wonder sometimes if any of these writings have any substance to them. Seeing this issue in a video affirmed that I may have, at least one time, been on to something.

So with new thoughts going through my head after the movie showing that Tuesday, I want to revisit this question of “What is an American?” (in ethnic terms, and not in ethnic terms).

I’ve spent lots of my life overseas, mostly in Thailand. When people asked me what American culture was like, I proceeded to describe the white culture in which I’d grown up. I see now how lacking my explanation was, how vibrant my answer could have been had I taken other American ethnicities into consideration, and how little I knew. And yet, my description was also partly true of course. The white culture in which I was raised, churched, educated, etc does indeed represent a portion of American culture. What I’m finding now though is that white culture is only a slight part of American culture. I’m finding that white culture is not synonymous with American culture.

Where did this sense of white entitlement come from? Didn’t everyone who was raised in America come from somewhere else in this wide world at some point in time? What makes white people in charge? Isn’t the fourth generation Korean kid I went through elementary school with just as entitled (if not more) to America as I am, whose grandparents (on my mom’s side) were first generation from Holland? Yet I have subconsciously seen him as the outsider. Why is it that some folks refer to themselves as Japanese-American or Kenyan-American while I would never think to introduce myself as Dutch-American? In my mind, it’s obvious that that guy is Japanese-American, or African-American. But me, well I am a normal American. That’s how I saw it. This is wrong. Whites do not (or at least should not) own the American title.

American Culture transcends race, and can't include race in its definition considering the incredible ethnic and cultural diversity within our borders. There is no American ethnicity, is what I’m trying to say. Not having common DNA among the vast majority of the population is unique to the United States. Most countries have a common bloodline. This is not something we see or are.

An American to me means someone who lives within America and calls this place their home. And there's more to being an American too... stuff that doesn't relate to race and ethnicity. But I haven't figured out what yet. What do you think?

Perhaps its true that our country was predominantly white in its genesis (after we were through displacing the native Americans, the real Americans). But that is not the case now - we are extremely rich in culture and ethnicities.

There's so much I don't understand. I will certainly be revisiting this topic in the future.

Super Sneaks

2006-07-13T21:36:00.000-07:00

Last night I slept at a friend's house far away from my car. Come morning though, I needed some fresh clothes for the day out of my stash in the Jeep. I found this card (?) under my windshield wipers.

It gave me a good laugh and warm fuzzy feeling. Thanks, whoever you are for remembering. Using pieces of gum as glue (and the extras on the paper there) made for an interesting touch I must say.

Arresting Humanoids

2006-07-10T18:30:00.000-07:00

I spent this afternoon with a Korean girl, Jin Soon, who I tutor at ACE. Since I had to bail on her one Tuesday a couple weeks ago, I owed her an extra hour of English time and suggested we make it up over a field trip to the Ballard Locks. The engineering of that place remains impressive no matter how many times I go. The bonus this trip offered was the salmon jumping up the river to spawn. We spent many minutes watching them through the sub-water observation glass. Neat. After a quick meandering around the park and through a museum that showed pictures of the 1914 construction, we walked across the street to my favorite milk shake place. Totem always has a unique season-related flavor. My all-time Totem favorite was pumpkin last October. Today their special was blueberry and I was not disappointed, even during laborious periods of sucking fresh fruit chunks forever clogged in my straw. As we sat outside burning our mouths on hot french fries, I asked her, "What is the most interesting question you've ever been asked?"

She looked back blankly, then smiled. I explained to her how much I enjoy meeting new people. Waned though the practice has, I used to spend a good deal of my time in local non-corporate coffee shops getting to know whoever I came across. Well, realistically, I'm more a one-person-an-outing kind of guy and less like that eccentric maniac who lurks at every table harassing folks (unwittingly) at the top of his lungs. Coffee Shop Engagement Protocol goes something like this: "Hey, I'm Zach. Could I take a few minutes of your time?" Thus far, not once has a person been void of hesitation. I don't blame them as solicitors, Bible-thumpers, creeps, and cigarette moochers abound. I explain that people baffle me, and it's a treat to meet new folks. This must be rather flattering sounding because I've never had anyone decline me after that, and I'm not even good-looking. Or maybe they pity me, thinking I have no friends. Whatever the case, I then ask them questions such as:

- What is your favorite memory?
- Who has had the most impact on your life, who was it, and what was the nature of this "impact"?
- What do you value? What is indispensable to you when push comes to shove?
- What are your quirks?
- What's your favorite story?
- Who do you respect, and why?
- What kind of dreams do you have?
- What is the question and answer I would never think to ask you, but that is also so much a part of the individual you are?

These conversations have been some of the most worthwhile times of my life.

With my explanation done, I looked from the red trees next to the bus stop back to a horrified Jin Soon. "Why do you talk to them?" She by no means approved of my hobby. She told me that if I tried to talk to strangers in Korea, they'd probably call the police. I told her I figured I could wiggle my way out of that situation by playing the ignorant foreigner role and that it in fact seemed like a good adventure. I told her that she ought to try it sometime because people are amazing. I also told her that her homework was to go ask three questions to the large sleeping man sprawled on the grass across the way, his thumb still on the last page he read before the Snooze Monster got the best of him. She faked to hit me, then smiled.

I'm not sure I can explain my interest in people. Part of it is rooted in a conversation I had regarding marriage with a man I deeply respect. He told me that even after living with his wife for over two decades, he is still getting to know her deeper every day. From that moment on, I saw people not merely as simplistic objects also habitating and complicating my world, but as unique, dynamic reservoirs of life, experience, personalities, and thoughts, each made in the image of God. I don't even know what "in the image of God" means, but do I really need to understand to know that it is profoundly significant? People (all people) are rad and that I believe that in some way each individual does indeed reflects the image and the glory of God. I especially want to emphasize the "each person" bit. Even that guy who never stops poking us, or that girl who tells the same joke every day coupled with that dreadful squeal-laugh with every round. If God looks at that person and cherishes them, I know that as beings also cherished and created to love and be loved, we can love them too... Anyone and everyone. I will not believe that there is no person on this earth who I cannot love.

I'll leave you with a quote from the ever eloquent C.S. Lewis relating to the mystery and value and respect due of persons:

It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you can talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and a corruption such as you now meet, if at all, in a nightmare.... It is in the light of these overwhelming possibilities, it is with the awe and circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all our dealings with one another, all friendships, all loves, all plays, all politics. There are no ordinary cultures, arts, civilizations - these are mortal and their life to ours is as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit.... Next to the Blessed Sacrament itself, your neighbor is the holiest object presented to your senses.

PS. I apologize if this title led you to expect tales of police encounters with human-shaped extraterrestrials... I intended the other "arresting" meaning.

God is Good

2006-07-09T23:07:00.000-07:00

To fumble along expressing and elaborating on this title would cheapen the whole experience, I feel.

Compare it to a scrumptious meal, perhaps. To look into the eyes of its maker and gush, "This food is fantastic" would be much more meaningful than your inarticulate detailed culinary analysis. What a bore, what a yakker. There's something beautiful and powerful in simplicity, is there not?

In short, I have learned in a substantial way that God is close, concerned, and involved in our lives when we ask and allow him to be. He blew all my expectations out of the water, and worked things for good in ways I did not imagine or anticipate. He gets all the credit for this.

At the risk of deviating from my often-too-cautious tendencies, I'm looking to extend this adventure to the rest of my life... risking venturing from my safe-place-clinging.... dipping my toes in the lake of letting God be God.

Futures and Beginnings

2006-07-08T14:57:00.000-07:00

In less than 11 months, I will graduate from college, barring an unforeseen tragedy or three. I started college with much anticipation knowing that after four years of studying, meeting new people and making "old friends", discovering God more fully, working through challenges of all kinds, etc, I would be a new Zach in many ways. Not knowing exactly how this transformation would manifest, or what kind of product (me) it would produce, made it only more intriguing.

I started writing journals the winter before I started college. I'm thankful now. Journals are worthwhile. Looking back through these journals from Freshman Orientation to now, I see that I have indeed been changed. Some changes have been drastic, others more subtle. Some changes hurt much (like recently), others were refreshing. Some seasons of change took years, others took less than a summer (like recently). There is still much redemption to be done. I rest easier knowing that God doesn't plan on retiring from the restoration business in the near future. God knows I need it more every day and he does indeed bring change on the rare days when I surrender my stubborn pride.

College has also become a bit of a crutch. After 11 more months, no longer will I be able to lean on the luxuries of being a student. I will soon have to deal with my student loans, making a living, finding a place to stay... survive in a way that is meaningful, fulfilling, a tad adventurous (and then some), and obedient to God's calling (what that means I'm still trying to understand). I wouldn't say I'm worried. I would say I think about it too much.

Here are some post-graduation options I'm praying about right now. These various paths are not necessarily mutually exclusive in my mind either.
- JET Program (teaching English in Japan).
- An intentional community in an urban setting.
- Staying in Seattle with the brother, friends, city, culture, and volunteer opportunities that I love so much.
- Do a Discipleship Training School with YWAM.
- Join a couple in Thailand starting a ministry similar to the homeless youth shelter I'm volunteering at currently.
- Going through an intensive year-long Christian men training program in Colorado. Long story.
- Go through SIL training and eventually join Wycliffe in Bible translation somewhere around the world.
- Stay open to yet undiscovered possibilities.

Some values I have developed as I consider who I am and where I want to go:
- I want to be in the minority in some form or fashion.
- I want to be involved in community development.
- I want to be in a place that I'm uncomfortable.
- I want to surround myself with God-fearing people of great faith who choose to be in the scary places. I'm beginning to understand just how moldable people are, and the value there is in surrounding yourself with people who will influence you for good and help you become whole.

While the lure of JET and consequently paying off my student loans quickly is appealing, it seems rather unfulfilling as well. Knowing that I'm not even gaurunteed the end of today, I'm not sure I want to sacrifice a whole year to an involvement void of Zach-passion. But oh to be debt free.... Another con to joining the JET program: I fear that following the money will birth an unfulfilling habit. Money is slippery and messy. Allowing the financial criteria to take precedence over other factors in the decision making process seems like it might lead to a degrading routine and, eventually, a rather empty life. I'm alive to live, not to make money.

I believe the Holy Spirit is involved in the process too. A friend suggested I pursue all options simultaneously all the while praying that God would cause applications to be lost, plans to fall through, and doors to open and close according to his great wisdom and plans. I laughed. But this seems good, too. God is big enough to help. Why is it scary trusting God?

Is it not interesting to consider how many different directions my life could go? Or how any one of those decisions could so drastically alter the trajectory of my entire life? Or how I will look back on this post in a few years down the road to see where I was and how I came to be where I'm at? Fascinating.

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This is obviously the first post on this blog. I decided it would be fun to start a lifelong blog on my 22nd birthday. Birthdays seem to breed feelings of fresh starts and new beginnings, and I needed a witty name for the site besides. I chose blogspot/blogger because readers don't need to be members to respond to posts, like xanga and myspace where I've written in the past. It's my little way of supporting equality, I suppose. :-) As it turns out though, I'm going to be gone on my birthday, so I decided might as well post early. Give me four more days though, and this will be my journey, at least in part, from the humble age of 22 and on.